Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Last Shift

Pop Doyle here.

...in fact, I'm the only one here. For those of you who don't know, I'm the night janitor here at the Yuba Post Building. Every night I come in around eleven; I sweep up the cat hair, I pick up the beer bottles, I dust the grand piano. I usually leave by midnight but sign out for 7 AM. It's a good gig.

Anyway, I really am the only one here. And I suppose that's not too surprising, since I am the night janitor and there's never anyone else here. But I'm starting to think I'm actually the only employee left. Sammy the Evil Cat was here last week, but on Sunday he took off and left this note behind:

Sammy the Evil Cat here - but "here" is NOT Yuba. I'm in Rapid City now, working for the Rapid City Runner newspaper. I know I'll be called a traitor for leaving, but the truth is, my growing sense of loyalty to Yuba has made me realize that my true place is here. In Rapid City. Being evil to Rapid City. Not to Yuba. The great citizens of Yuba deserve better than evilness, I know that now.
...Heck, I'm just kidding! These Rapid City humans are no better or worse than the rest of their imbecile race, but they do pay more treats per column. And they never try to touch my tummy. Drop dead Yuba Post.
...and have a pleasant day.

Since Sammy's note appeared, no one seems to have stepped foot in the office besides me. Also, I haven't received a paycheck in two months, and a "For Sale" sign appeared outside yesterday.

All this leads me to believe that the Yuba Post has come to an end. Stronger evidence is the fact that every employee (besides myself) has officially left the Post:

-Jeff Richardson, head writer, obituaries editor: MISSING. Believed possessed by spirits in the Yuba Creek Natural Area.
-Kelly, travel columnist: ON ASSIGNMENT in Brooklyn (but with no column in over two months, it's safe to assume she secretly QUIT and is just living off the Post's travel stipend)
-M. Ryan Kundinger, guest columnist: FIRED (he was rehired at the next staff meeting, but never found out since he missed the next staff meeting)
-EricMiller, food columnist: does not return phone calls, presumed EATING
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, financial consultant: FIRED after the Post failed to turn a profit (in fact, the Post is $15 in the red after that Rock Paper Scissors Tournament entry fee)
-Jalen the Cat: QUITTER
-Sammy the Evil Cat: TRAITOR

So, it looks like it's just me, ol' Pop Doyle the night janitor. And since I'm no writer - and since newspapers need writers (even online newspapers) - this would appear to be the final edition of the Yuba Post. I'll be sorry to see it go, and I know the thousands of Post readers out there will be too. The real losers, of course, will be the good people of Yuba, who will have no source of information about their bustling town. Where will they get their sports news? Their obituaries? Their LimerickPics? The future looks bleak, indeed. And I wouldn't hold out much hope for the 2007 Pick of the Patch either, since the new seeds Sammy recommended are turning out, well, different...

At least the color is right.

But, mark my words, Yuba will persevere. This town always bounces back. During the Great Fire of 1974, when encroaching flames threatened the farmers' crops, did the Yuban people panic? No! They started the Great Flood of 1974 and put out the fires! And during the Great Depression of 1974, after all the crops had been washed away, did they give up? ...well, bad example. But trust me! This little town is tough as nails - metal nails, not plastic Ikea nails - and the loss of this newspaper won't hold them back for a second!

Oh yes. Yuba will go on all right. Proud and valiant in its ongoing quest for pride and courage. For Yuba is a special place, a place of adventure as well as community. A place of nature as well as business. A place of Olympics Games and typing cats. And all who pass by its brilliant emerald signs, whether strolling by on foot or blinking past in a car, will forever be enchanted by the rolling fields, sandy shores, and pleasant streets of Yuba. That great American city called Yuba. Oh yes. Yuba will be just fine.

This is Pop Doyle reporting for the Yuba Post. Does anyone need a janitor?

Monday, October 8, 2007

It's REALLY Time for a Change

The Yuba Post's Photo Du Jour:

Yuba's entry for the 2006 Pick of the Patch
(Yuba did not win a ribbon last year)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Happy Columbus Day Eve!

Only one more minute until Columbus Day! Get your noisemakers and smallpox vaccines ready - it's time to party like it's 1492!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

It's Time for a Change

The Yuba Post Photo Du Jour:

The 2006 Pick of the Patch
...and the 10th consecutive winner from Rapid City.

Friday, October 5, 2007

News in Brief

The news from Yuba today, briefly:

-Concert attended.
-Man arrested.
-Baby born.
-Knuckle cracked.
-Mystery revealed.
-Look given.
-He won.
-He lost.
-She said.
-Cabbage, lots.
-Event cancelled.
-Sneezing (various).
-Toxic contamination.
-Emergency evacuation.
-Survival information.
-Post late.

Thursday, October 4, 2007


Famed author and Yuba enthusiast Ernest Hemingway has died in his home in Ketchum, Idaho. He was 61. ...the year was 1961.

Yes, 1961. In short, the Yuba Post probably should have run this obit a few decades ago. If we had, then maybe the Yuba Village Council wouldn't have just voted to present Mr. Hemingway with the key to our town.


But to be fair to Post editors, the Village Council still should have known better. After all, they themselves protested one of Hemingway's posthumous publications in 1975. That publication was, of course, the short story Hills Like Brown Elephant Droppings: A Farewell to Yuba, which was a fictionalized account of Hemingway's trip to Yuba. The story paints a rather bleak and depressing picture of the town - very out of line with the head nod myth - and for this reason its publication was successfully suppressed by the Yuba Village Council in exchange for providing Scribner Publishing with exclusive rights to Yuba? You-Betcha!: A Brief History of Yuba's History (Unfortunately for Scribner, Yuba? You-Betcha!: A Brief History of Yuba's History was surprisingly unsuccessful and sales have yet to exhaust its first printing).

In their own defense, members of the Village Council claim that they thought the word "posthumously" meant "funny after the fact," and so they never realized in 1975 that Hemingway was actually dead. They just assumed his story was supposed to take a while to "get."

According to the Council, this breaking news will not alter their plans and Hemingway will still be honored with the key to the town this weekend. Said one council member, "We'll still be presenting the key, but we'll be presenting it to Hemingway after his death - what we like to call a posthumous presentation. Because posthumous means after someone has died. And Hemingway has died. A while ago apparently." The ceremony will still be held this Saturday in Sayler Park, but it has been shortened from five hours to eight minutes. Absinthe will be served afterwards in Picnic Shelter #2.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Ernest Hemingway to be Honored by Yuba

Today, the Yuba Village Council voted unanimously to present the great American writer Ernest Hemingway with the key to the town of Yuba.

The key to Yuba.

This tremendous honor has only been bestowed upon one other individual in Yuba's history - Star Trek: The Next Generation cast member and Reading Rainbow host LeVar Burton, who received the key in 1994. The key was later rescinded (in fact, Burton hadn't even picked it up) when it was discovered that Burton had no connection to Yuba whatsoever and was only given the key as part of a failed bribe to allow the mayor's children to tape Reading Rainbow Book Reviews.

LeVar Burton... but you don't have to take my word for it.
(in case you never watched the show, that was a Reading Rainbow reference)
(Of course, if you never watched the show, you probably never learned to read and therefore can't understand this)

This time around, the Village Council insists that no such scandals will result. Hemingway was chosen due to his close association, both locally and globally, with the town of Yuba. Hemingway's adventures in Yuba have been well documented, from his arrival in town one day in 1919 to his eventual departure just a few minutes later. As the legend goes, a nineteen-year-old Hemingway stopped his automobile on Yuba Road and asked the Yuba Trading Post clerk directions to Walloon Lake. Witnesses say he then surveyed the landscape and gave a "subtle, approving nod" as if to imply that "Yuba was one of the best places on Earth," before returning to his vehicle and driving off never to return again. This world famous exchange is quoted on a commemorative plaque inside the old Yuba schoolhouse:

Giving Hemingway the key to Yuba is a symbolic gesture of the town's gratitude for his civic contributions. It is also a practical gift, as the key opens the gate to Sayler Park and allows Hemingway unrestricted access to the facilities; providing, of course, he obeys all park rules and reserves picnic shelters at least three days in advance. The author will be presented with the key during a five-hour ceremony inside the park. The ceremony is tentatively scheduled for this Saturday, though Hemingway has yet to confirm whether or not this date works for him. In fact, the Village Council sends word that if anyone knows how to reach Hemingway that information would be greatly appreciated - and it just might get you your own key to Yuba someday! (but probably not)

Hemingway in 1958, looking for approval from his cat Sprinkles.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


No deaths this week.

Monday, October 1, 2007

The Yuba Post Recommends: October

Today is the first day of October, and so we've asked our interns to compile a list of important information about the month.

...And it's a good thing we have interns to do this, since most of our staff has quit, gone missing, or been fired.

October Information:
-October is the tenth month of the Yubagorian Calendar.
-The Yuba Post has never published a column in the month of October... UNTIL NOW!
-About the word "October": "Octo" comes from the Latin word eight, since October is the eighth month of the year (though it is actually the tenth - rest assured someone lost their job over that little slip); "ber" is so that October can fit in with the months surrounding it (September, November and December) and be included in their End-of-the-Year-Months Gang (though this also failed, since the other months all end in "mber" NOT "ober" and so they wouldn't let October in the gang; the Middle-of-the Year-Months Gang and the Beginning-of-the-Year-Months Gang also ostracized October and it now exists alone and friendless within the calendar).
-October is sad.
-October has x days, where x + 3,000 = (y / 22) - .5 and y = 66,693
(hint: x is a positive integer)
-Halloween is the last day of October. This is a holiday based on a successful film series about a man in a white mask who kills teenagers. October tried to trade this holiday to November for Thanksgiving but November would have none of it.
-Brandon Hall was born in October, so we're guessing he approves of it.
-Mysteriously, there are no Wednesdays in October, only extra Tuesdays disguised as Wednesdays. There is no explanation for this.
-In 14% of wall calendars, the October photograph is a nighttime setting; this is second only to July (16%). (we have no sources to back this up)
-Pumpkin-flavored products begin to appear in October. Get them soon before they give way to eggnog-flavored products in December.

Don't forget to vote on our October sidebar poll!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 7

Since no one else has submitted a LimerickPic, Guest LimerickPic Week is now officially over.

We have decided that our disappointment at not making it a full seven days could best be expressed with...

Rachel and Murphy and Nik Frank
And Puppies and Kelly we must thank.
If you're not one of them
Your silence we condemn
For on day six our Guest L.P. Week sank.

LimerickPic NOT written by a guest.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
There is clearly very little interest in licensing information.