Jalen's Column (Crime Beat)

Jalen the Cat here with the crime beat for this week.

Monday - Intruder alert. False alarm. Was actually my own tail.

Tuesday - Nothing happened.

Wednesday - My day off.

Thursday - Intruder alert. Not a false alarm. Someone clearly broke in and ripped open my food bag. It couldn't have been me, as I am perfectly incapable of getting on top of the fridge. Nevermind that I wasn't that hungry when Kelly got home at 10:30 PM despite not having been fed all day. I wasn't hungry because I was in shock! Over the intruder!

Anyway, old Pop Doyle is out watching basketball, and I know he didn't want to lose his streak. So I'm filling in ... again. And I've never even been to Yuba!

Poet's Poem

I scaled a hill to see the shine
Of the morning sun sublime.
At halfway up a talking mime
Was standing with a wooden sign.
It said ‘Sweet Pies For Just A Dime’
“10 cents,” he cried, “but for you nine!”
I checked his goods and had to whine-
They looked like nothing more than grime.
“Key lime,” I cried, “It’s just green slime!”
“If you’ll excuse me, I must climb.”

Poet's Reflection

I sit with pen from time to time
And try to think up little rhymes.
I try and rhyme a word like ‘climb’
With something rather asinine.
I come up with a word like ‘slime’
And think that that would do just fine.
I put the words into a line
And try to make it sound divine.
But sometimes it can be a crime
To try and make two words align,
For what does such a word as ‘climb’
Have anything to do with ‘slime?’

Jalen's Column

Jalen the cat here.
My British friend Macavity got some good press recently so I thought I would pass on the article.

Obituaries

No deaths this week.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

THE GOOD

Brooklyn Lager. A crisp micro brew originally produced in the borough which it is named after--now it is "brewed and bottled in Utica, NY." This favorite of hipsters looking for a step-up from from their normal beverage of choice--PBR--has a fresh taste hitting the lips and is full of hops on the back of your throat. While it is available across the East Coast at restaurants and bars specializing in micro-brews, it is easily available every in five boroughs. A definate highlight of any trip to Gotham.

THE BAD

Street-vendor hot pretzels. This favorite of tourists, commonly available from street venders in cities across the country, seems especially popular in NYC. However, don't let the promise of warm tender goodness fool you. Without the addition of a tasty sauce or condiment (and lets be honest, yellow mustard just doesn't cut it), these treats of twisted dough just don't live up to the promise. Instead of the freshly cooked goodness that you expect, you will get an overly salted, stale, luke warm phantom of the snack which you expected to enjoy.

THE UGLY

New York City Subway System. I'm not breaking any ground by stating that this, the most famous of the nations public transit systems, is the ultimate in functionality over fashion. While it is guaranteed to get you from where you are to where you want to go, there is no beauty in standing on a hot, trash filled, rat infested platform with the distinct smell of urine floating around you. It doesn't help having no idea how long your train will take to arrive. But, rest assured--as long as there are no service delays-- your train will come and you will be on your way to exploring what is possibly the best, possibly the most overrated city in the country.

The Yuba Post takes full responsibility for any copyright, trademark, or other intellectual property right violation occurring in this or future posts. The contributing author is completely indemnified against any future legal action.

Old News

I walked past this empty storefront in Greenwich Village today and was a reminded of a blog-worthy story.


A few months ago, this was a Taco Bell/KFC restaurant. I ate at this restaurant twice over the course of the school semester. The day after the second time I ate here, this place ended up on the nightly news.
Mmmmm, tasty.

News in Brief

This Saturday, May 26th, will mark an important milestone in the history of the Internet as popular blog The Yuba Post will host its very first guest columnist. According to sources, out-of-town visitor Matthew Kundinger will be touring Yuba Post offices when, unbeknownst to him, he will be forced into writing that day's post. He will not be paid or compensated for his work. Mr. Kundinger is currently living in Washington DC where he works fulltime as a #2 doubles tennis player for Elk Rapids High School in Michigan.

Important Announcement

Beginning today, Yuba Post offices will again be sharing space with visitors from out of town. This situation will continue through Monday afternoon, meaning nine out of eleven days our offices will have shared space during this period.

Daily posts will continue however! Our yet-to-be-published declaration of principles will not be compromised! Even if this means posts might be shorter, or more repetitive, or more useless than usual, or more repetitive. And some posts may even consist solely of us writing about our own intent to continue posting.

Tourists Spotted in Times Square

The mother screams out at a rat in
The subway tracks making brows flatten.
Though the locals may frown,
They're the talk of the town -
It's the Richardsons in Manhattan!


Photo by Joan Richardson on May 19th, 2007. New York City, NY.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Nik Frank-Lehrer for licensing information.

Community Forum

This is where we turn things over to you, the reader (or perhaps, readers - if we're lucky).

This weeks poll question:
Your favorite Yuba restaurant?

The Richardsons Take Manhattan

The Family Circus UPDATED 05/22!!!!!!!!

Local News

If the posts seem short lately, or if it seems like we're just publishing four-year old poems or something, there is a reason. A full story is on the way, but for now, know this and beware:

The Richardsons are taking Manhattan.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the cat here. This is a map of my neighborhood in Brooklyn.
My map

In Passing

“Hi, old friend,” I said in passing.
“How are you?” I started asking.
“Must be now three years or so since I saw your face, you know.

“We really should have kept in touch.
I’ve thought about you very much.
Wond’ring how you’re doing now - hoping we would meet somehow.

“What times we had back in the day
Away at school in Santa Fe:
Stealing Susie Stevens pants; spiked the punch at the school dance.

“Why I recall a time back when
We skipped our morning class and then
Smoked a pack of Marlboro outside in the freezing snow.

“We really were the best of friends,
For such lost time let’s make amends.
Would you care to grab a beer at that beat-up bar that’s near?”

He looked at me with icy glare
That made me think my mind did err.
Then I saw his bony fist - blackness meant he had not missed.

I came to on the ground upset
Uncertain why his fist had met
Angrily above my chin. Then I knew to my chagrin.

How queer, I thought, that I’d forgot.
Of course I know why he’s so hot:
Three years past our paths did end when I slept with his girlfriend.

On This Date In 2002

I went down to the laundry room and couldn’t help but stare
At the girls I found in front of me, folding underwear.
Some time had passed, I think, since they last washed their clothes down there
For judging by their scanty dress they hadn’t much to wear.

Their t-shirts clung upon their chests and left their midriffs bare,
Their legs were hardly hidden save for hugging boxer pairs.
The two of them stood straight before me, beautiful and fair
(Another type would call them hot, but poets wouldn’t dare).

They bent down to their baskets and they stacked their clothes with care,
And when they rose so rose my stead as they threw back their hair.
I strutted towards the sexy sirens, flaunting all my flair,
Assuring myself both their hearts would be mine to ensnare.

To finish up this story of my failure –oh so rare-
I’ll skip the rest and leave you with this lesson I can share:
The next time that you court someone I beg you to beware
That you hold not a laundry bag of stained brown underwear.

Notable Quotables

"Clay, put down the camera."

Cat Trick

My humans feed me to get thinner-
Their focus is outer not inner.
So when they turn the locks
I paw through the icebox
And make up a happier dinner.

Photo by Jeff Richardson. January 23rd, 2007. Brooklyn, NY.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Nik Frank-Lehrer for licensing information.

Ipod Embarrassment Part Two

Tracks on my Ipod I Should be Embarrassed About But I'm Not:

-Ten songs by Weird Al Yankovic (that's double digits people, yet I feel no shame)
-Multiple Tracks by Blink 182 (now this is a band that's "still good after all these years")
-Still At Large (if I wanted to, I could walk around New York City listening to an Elk Rapids punk band. That's kinda cool. And who says I haven't?)
(I haven't)
-Styx "Mr. Roboto"
-Rush "Freewill"
-Skatman John "I'm a Skatman" ("As a matter of fact Don't let nothin' hold you back If the Skatman can do it So can you A-scibbidedabudabadobado!")
-Fat Joe "What's Love?" (featuring Ja Rule and Ashanti) (this is awesome - don't argue)
-Prince "Raspberry Beret"
-Music from a 1993 computer game I played as a child
-Britney Spears "Toxic"
-Puff Daddy and the Family "Victory"
-Big Bopper "The Monster Mash" (perhaps the coolest song ever)

Ipod Embarrassment

I finally loaded all the songs from my six-year old computer onto my Ipod. What did I discover in this audio crypt?
A lot of bad music.

Most embarrassing tracks:

-Avril Lavigne "Complicated"
-Creed "One Last Breath"
-Dashboard Confessional "The Sad Hint of New Tears" (Yes, very embarrassing, I know)
-Three songs by Enya (Don't judge me)
-Metallica "Fuel" ("Give me fuel! Give me fire! Give me that which I desire! Arghhhhhhhh!")
-The Moldy Peaches "Who's Got the Crack?" (What is this? Where did it come from? And, yes, it is as bad as it sounds.)
-Natalie Imbruglia "Troubled By the Way We Came Together"
-Five songs by The Offspring (I was ready to defend these guys as "surprisingly still good after all these years"... but they're not. Take my word for it. They're really, really not.)
-Pink "Don't Let Me Get Me" (I apologize for making anyone try to remember how this goes)
-Two songs by Sugar Ray
-Tchaikovsky "Symphony No. 4" (What a hack)

Obituaries

No deaths this week.

Congratulations Yuba!

The Sports Page - Intramural Softball

BREAKING NEWS from last weekend:

Regular Yuba Post contributer Jeff Richardson recently completed a successful intramural softball season with the NYU Cinema Studies squad. No doubt due to the proliferation of films about baseball, the Cinema Studies team is always one of the most feared dugouts each spring. This year's team was no different as they finished with a 3-1 record, only losing in the semifinals to eventual champions and eternal jerkwads, The Furries.

Richardson wore the number 42 in honor of Jackie Robinson - the man who broke baseball's color barrier. Seemingly, the pre-1947 color barrier has little to do with a white guy from Michigan playing slow-pitch, intramural softball. HOWEVER, Robinson did play for the Brooklyn Dodgers, while Richardson currently lives in Brooklyn. Even MORE importantly, Jackie Robinson has Jeff Richardson's initials (and not the other way around). MOST importantly, Richardson wore the number 42 on his high school basketball team before he even knew it was Jackie Robinson's number, and was therefore honoring himself more than Robinson, though still honoring Robinson indirectly by honoring himself because Robinson honored Richardson originally by using his initials and his number (and not the other way around). ACTUALLY MOST IMPORTANTLY, Richardson didn't really wear a jersey OR a number, he only had the number 42 on the team's website...

This was Richardson's first attempt at organized baseball/softball since sixth grade little league. This twelve-year gap is a new sporting record for Richardson, eclipsing his previous gap of eleven years set only three months ago when Richardson went downhill skiing for the first time since seventh grade. This fall, Richardson plans to break the record again when he takes up kickboxing, a sport he abandoned in second grade after losing a bloody playground duel to Jeff "Poster" Bohsted (JB watch your shins this October. You've been warned.)

Despite the long break, Richardson's play was better than ever as he led the Cinematologists in runs and RBIs. Don't believe me? Check out the team stats:
http://cinematologists.com/softball/stats/2007.shtml

And don't miss the recap of his game-tying RBI and game-winning run:
http://cinematologists.com/softball/2007/04/cinema_studies_rallies_late_be.shtml

Not everything was stellar for Richardson, however. His defensive play was confined to left field as he repeatedly refused to switch positions due to a fear of the ball and a general extreme cowardice.

The Yuba Post has no photographs of the league. Instead, here is a picture of Richardson skiing:




And here is a picture of a softball:


And this is kickboxing:

Eternal Sunshine of the Elephant's Mind

The Empire State Building's looming
As elephants' footsteps are booming.
They march toward the Garden
And try to take heart in
The peanuts they'll soon be consuming.



Photo by Jeff Richardson. March 28th, 2007. New York City, NY.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Nik Frank-Lehrer for licensing information.

Yuba Post Exclusive

Revealed: The opening Tic Tac Toe move that can't be stopped.

Begin by claiming to be x's. Place an x in the center square, except turn the board 45 degrees before drawing the x. The x will appear to be a plus sign (+). Emma Wickem will then be confused and forfeit by walking away from the board as if she never cared to begin with.

This works every time.