Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 7

Since no one else has submitted a LimerickPic, Guest LimerickPic Week is now officially over.

We have decided that our disappointment at not making it a full seven days could best be expressed with...
A LIMERICKPIC!

Rachel and Murphy and Nik Frank
And Puppies and Kelly we must thank.
If you're not one of them
Your silence we condemn
For on day six our Guest L.P. Week sank.


LimerickPic NOT written by a guest.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
There is clearly very little interest in licensing information.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 6, or, Yet Another Animal Picture

Sammy the Evil Cat here. I hope you enjoy this limerick picture. I wrote the limerick. And the picture is of me. And all who read it will perish.

From the shadows I study their flaws,
And I wait for their footsteps to pause.
If their ankles are bare
I'll leap out from my chair
And I'll tear at their flesh with my claws.


LimerickPic by Sammy the Evil Cat
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Do not attempt to contact Sammy for any reason.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 5

Today's guest LimerickPic comes from Yuba Post contributor Kelly. It appears to be a concerned response to yesterday's LimerickPics of Senator Murphy.



I read last night's post with chagrin
at the state that our Yuba is in.
What thoughts are bred
in a young child's head
when his newspaper's filled with such sin?


LimerickPic by Kelly
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
We assure you, the Yuba Post is not filled with sin.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 4, or, Senator Murphy's LimerickPics: Special Edition

On Day 4 of Guest LimerickPic Week, we bring back Senator Murphy - of Double-Stanza LimerickPic fame. It turns out Mr. Murphy has a penchant for dirty limericks, which perhaps isn't surprising considering the dirty minds of most senators. As you may remember, the rules of Guest LimerickPic Week stipulated that "Dirty limericks are allowed."

...As it turns out, this isn't exactly true. Senator Murphy was so good as being dirty we had to ban some of his material, lest the purity of the Internet be tainted. Fortunately, the good Senator is a prolific LimerickPic writer (apparently his latest bill was written in LimerickPic form) and he sent us numerous LimerickPics to choose from. We present three of them here, and they get progressively dirtier. In fact, the final limerick was actually censored by our editors, though we doubt you'll be able to tell.

Enjoy.

P.S. - Senator Murphy says he may publish his censored/banned LimerickPics in their uncensored/viewable forms on his own blog, The Static (FYI - a "blog" is an amateur version of an online newspaper). You've been warned.

In a cemetery, I watched this kid cry.
It was pretty funny. I cannot lie.
Santa's stone head
He's dead. He's dead.
Then the crybaby went back inside.

I was talking to a friend who lies.
His length he tried to surmise.
We came to this tree
On a snow covered beach
He said, "Yeah, that's about the size."

I entered the ice cave on my nightly hunt
But quickly regretted that silly stunt
For weeks I sought
To change my lot
When a shaft of light led me out of that location.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 3

Continuing our puppy theme, today's LimerickPic comes from Rachel:
(editor's note: this is perhaps the funniest LimerickPic ever)

There once was a puppy named Goon
Who sniffed 'round the apartment til noon
But one tragic day
He sniffed the wrong way
and Sir Sausage thought angrily, "Soon."


LimerickPic by Rachel.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Sir Sausage if you need a feline columnist.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 2

We continue Guest LimerickPic Week with another LimerickPic that references Yuba Post staff. This seems to be a disturbing trend.

Today's LP comes from Puppies-Are-Cute@hotmail.com and eerily echoes the sentiments expressed by Puppies Rock last week in a letter to the editor regarding our preference for feline columnists over puppy columnists.

There once was a puppy named Loyal
Whose heart was broken by Pop Doyle
He asked for but a chance
Too prove his significance
But instead got nothing for his toil


LimerickPic by hpesojnad.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Licensing not available to puppies.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 1

We kick off our first ever Guest LimerickPic Week with this fitting LP from Nik Frank-Lehrer:
(note: our editor denies the legitimacy of this photograph)

Yuba’s editor must get his fix
Of sporting events, cat-naps and flicks
With Jalen clutched to his lap
And a villainous laugh
He declares, “I’ll solicit others’ LimerickPics!”

LimerickPic by Nik Frank-Lehrer.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact the National Football League for licensing information.

The Yuba Post Merchandise Story

What's so great about Yuba Post Merchandise? Watch the video below and find out.



When you've finished the video, buy your Yuba Post Merchandise here.

Today's Top Story: Birthday Cake

Due to the birthday celebration of Yuba Post correspondent Kelly, today's news has been canceled.

Instead of news, we offer a birthday cake:

A Special Thanks to a Special Liga

It's a slow news day in Yuba, so the Yuba Post would like to take this opportunity to address the Serbian professional basketball league: On behalf of the entire Yuba community, we'd like to sincerely thank you for naming your league in our town's honor. It is truly a privilege and a surprise to be recognized by an organization as far away as... wherever you are. Europe, maybe? So thank you, Yuba Liga, for molding your name after our humble town. We only hope that this tribute is the first step in your eventual agreement to break from the International Olympic Committee and participate in our "boycotted" Olympic Games, whenever they should be held. Until that day, Yuba Liga, we wish you the best of luck in your continuing mastery over the sport of basketball.

The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months

It's time for everyone's favorite column: The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months!

This five months' word is: "Thursday."

"Thursday" is the fifth day of the week (or fourth, depending when your week starts) and falls between Wednesday and Friday. It comes from the phrase "Thor's Day." Thor was the Norse god of thunder.

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months, coming sometime in February 2008!

Sammy the Evil Cat

Sammy the Evil Cat here. This is my first column for this Yuba Daily thing. Here's what you should know about me: I live in the Richardson residence in Williamsburg and I hate you. Yes, you. I hate you. Leave me alone.

Also know that if I could bite you through the Internet, I would.

And don't even think about touching my tummy. These Yuba reporters made that mistake once and I hissed so loudly the blond one wet himself.

I know you're all extremely happy to finally have a cat columnist that isn't overweight and human-loving, so I'll just let you bask in that happiness for now. Next column, however, I will hurt your soul. You've been warned.

I hope this column has been satisfying to read.

Cafe Press, Yuba Post Announce Business Partnership

We all know the feeling. You've got an important meeting coming up and you just don't have anything to wear! Maybe it's a first date; maybe it's a job interview. Maybe you're meeting your fiance's parents for the first time, or trying to close an important business deal. Whatever the situation, you just can't seem to choose an outfit - all of a sudden none of your clothes look right. Your wardrobe has become a bland mess of fabric and you wonder how you ever manage to get dressed at all! ...Not to mention the fact that your tote bag is broken and your hot beverage is lacking a receptacle! Yes, we all know the feeling.

But now you can make situations like these a thing of the past! With Yuba Post merchandise on CafePress.com, you'll never lack stylish clothing, working tote bags, or receptacles for hot beverages again! We know, we know - it sounds too good to be true. Well, IT IS! There's a catch - these items cost money! Lots of money.

...but they're worth it! Support the Yuba Post. Support the economy. And always look fashionable - no matter what the situation.

Visit the Yuba Post on CafePress.com, and have your credit card ready!

Title? What?

The Yuba Post regrets the lack of a coherent news item today but it seems the editors of the Post have lost their little black notebook where they keep their ideas for future posts and they really need that notebook because it takes time to formulate ideas for posts and that notebook was where they formulated and with no notebook there are no formulating ideas and the editors become lost and confused and they can't remember what was worth reporting and they remember something about a new cat columnist and maybe guest LimerickPics but mostly they just think about their beautiful little black notebook and how it always used to tell them what to write and how lonely it must be now and how lonely the editors are without it and it was a Moleskine notebook which is the best kind and the same kind used by greats like Van Gogh and Hemingway who incidentally visited Yuba once during one of his boyhood trips to Michigan which would make a great story for the Yuba Post except that we have nowhere to write down the idea like on a Moleskine notebook which was used by greats like Picasso and Brandon Hall and now the Yuba Post except that the Yuba Post has lost theirs and they're having trouble writing without it because it had all their ideas and writing without ideas and writing without a little black notebook is nearly impossible though you'd never know it by reading the Yuba Post because they are so excellent at managing crises and still putting out a great column every day of the year.

Wanted: Feline Columnist

The Yuba Post seeks feline columnist for its online newspaper.

-Experience a must.
-Position requires a minimum of two columns per month.
-Desired applicant will be curmudgeonly yet likable, possess a natural wit for cat puns, and be extremely photogenic and visually appealing.
-The Yuba Post reserves the right to disrupt naps if deadlines are approaching.
-Position is unpaid but has great benefits, including water, dry food pellets, plastic balls with bells inside of them, and constant tummy-rubbing.
-Traditional domestic cats preferred, but non-human-consuming lions and tigers will be considered.
-Those not litter trained need not apply.

Letters to the Editor

The Yuba Post receives bags and bags of email everyday, and occasionally we get a few worth publishing - sometimes even worth reading. So, for our more passive followers (meaning, those who don't patrol Yuba Post comments as obsessively as the Yuba Post staff) we've plucked out some of the more notable Yuba Post reader remarks and included them here. It's a section we like to call, "Letters to the Editor."

Hopeful readers struggle to get their letter published on the pages of the Yuba Post

These are unedited comments from actual readers:

"I'm published on a reputable website!
-EricMiller, July 11

"Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais."
-Rodrigo, June 23

"stop talking"

-kittycatrat, September 2

"I think this blog is the greatest thing to ever happen to me."
-Jake Z, May 9

"I've been trying to read the Juba Post."

-Jake Z, July 9

"I like men who like hot dogs."

-Kelly, June 23

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't know what the word "doff" means. Also, I won't be able to drive for another 8 years. Also, girls have cooties and they won't leave me alone. Still, and I apologize for gloating, it was pretty cool to take down the Jolly Green Giant. How's the weather up there, freak?"
-Scott, September 11, to PopDoyle following their Rock Paper Scissors contest.

"Dat dere's a real nice limerickpic, p doyle."
-Poemin' Jerome astutely commented on June 24

"THAT'S THE STUFF, DOYLE! THAT'S THE STUFF RIGHT THERE!"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, July 16

"Brandon Hall sucks. There's no way he would be able to rhyme depravity with ga-ravity. He is an inarticulate imbecile with the creativity of a worm on prozac. You give him too much credit, Mr. Frank-Lehrer. Too much, indeed."
-Senator Murphy, June 18

"Oh, if only I could be back in Yuba. Those were my happiest days. My second wife still loved me and my beautiful children believed me when I told them Lucky had run away. Those sure were the days."
-Senator Murphy, June 3

"You are a poser, Senator Murphy. You've never been to Yuba, and, if you'd had, you'd still be smelling the women there as we speak."
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, June 5

"I like to stroll downtown with a luxurious gait with my long blond hair flowing into the wind and think about colorful flowers."
-EricMiller, July 13, citing his favorite thing to do in downtown Yuba.

"Abraham Lincoln once said, 'if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.'"

-Michael Scott, July 10, quoting his own quote from his fictional TV show.

"iPhones killed my mom."
-Harper, September 1

"Even more embarrassing, Rapid City got a score of 29. You did tie Williamsburg. I'm not sure you can be proud of that, though."
-hpesojnad, August 24, referencing Yuba's "walk score" of 6.

"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost..."
-hpesojnad, August 10, responding to Kelly's physics joke with an equally confusing physics joke (but just as funny)

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I've already written 7500 words toward my quota and now you CUT YOUR VACATION SHORT!? Just for that, I will GO ON VACATION MYSELF! See how you like it!"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, August 13, after learning his guest post had been canceled.

"I grilled a hotdog at Sayler Park once. It was good."
-Bob Conklin, September 1

"OK. So, obviously this is going to be asking a bit much, but I want MORE YUBA POST. The posts just aren't coming fast enough for me. The Huffington Post gives me updates like infinity times a day. So does the New York Times. I don't know if you need to boost your staff or what, but I'm like a junkie needing a good fix and getting the cut stuff once a day. It's weak. I need more Yuba Post. Please. I got the shakes and everything."

-Senator Murphy, September 7

"As a guy who plays it tough and also happens to love kittens, I have to say that these shots of Jalen are top notch! I've been following Jalen's work for years, and this cat is at the peak of his career. Give Jalen my love, because he has given me the inspiration to pursue a career in international modeling."
-ToughGuyWhoLovesKittens, August 8

"Jalen's a cat."
-Jake Z, June 1

"Jalen, you da man!
Your blog is chillin
and it's thrillin.
Dere's no cat you be betta than!
P.S. See, I ain just no slacker limerick-pic-response writa. Dis heah ABBA poem woulda made ole Sista Larentia proud a me, man."
-Poemin' Jerome, June 21

"too bad it wasn't fatal - would have made for a great obituaries column ..."
-Kelly, June 28, in response to Jalen the Cat's heat stroke.

"Nothing sexier than a cat with belly fat poking out below his shirt."
-M. Ryan Kundinger, July 30

"Why is the cat's name Jalen?"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, June 2

"JALENyay!"
-Treebark's sister, September 2

"This is despicable. I hereby tender my resignation from this ignorant publication."

-Jalen the Cat, September 12

Wiki Wiki Yuba!

The Yuba Post has corrected a terrible oversight on the part of the Internet community by finally creating a Wikipedia page for the great town of Yuba. We think you'll all agree this was long overdue. The article is a little rough, but it's better than nothing. Check it out here and let us know what you think.

The Yuba Post Wants YOU!!!

The Yuba Post is proud to present the first ever Guest LimerickPic Week!!!

That's right, the Yuba Post is having a special week devoted solely to Guest LimerickPics and we want YOU to submit one (or two, or more!). Guest LimerickPic week begins on Monday the 24th and continues until we run out of LimerickPics, or until we get bored.

Submission Information
-email LimerickPics to theyubapost@yahoo.com
-include a limerick and a corresponding picture
-dirty limericks are allowed
-dirty pictures are NOT allowed
-the form of a limerick is not set in stone, but, as a type of poem, limericks do have "rules" (ala the haiku or the sonnet). Try to follow them.
-for information on limericks, check the Wikipedia page here
-for information on LimerickPics, read this post
-for examples of LimerickPics, click here
-LimerickPics can be on any subject, and do not have to mention Yuba
-Disparaging the Yuba Post in any manner will result in non-publication. This is not censorship, it's merely us putting limits on the bounds of your artistic expression.
-do not take credit for inventing the LimerickPic. "LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
-You need not contact Nik Frank-Lehrer to submit
-by submitting a LimerickPic, you agree to allow the Yuba Post to publish your work on the Internet and grant them the right to take full credit for your work if they deem it necessary

The Yuba Post Proudly Presents...

Inspired by Jalen the Cat's insightful column about the lucrativeness of websites with cute cat photos, the editors of the Yuba Post are proud to announce their newest and greatest creation:

Stuff on Jalen the Cat.com! (www.stuffonjalenthecat.blogspot.com)

We hope you enjoy!

...and if you do enjoy, don't forget to order all your favorite Stuff on Jalen the Cat merchandise! We stock t-shirts and daily calendars, and hope to soon expand into collectible holograms.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here and wow does it feel good to be the top dog.

I'm referring to the Yuba Post's sidebar poll question in which my column has held a commanding lead for "favorite feature" since the poll was put up almost a month ago. The editors, of course, continue to extend the length of the poll, which was originally to have closed two weeks ago. They're just hoping I'll get knocked off the top spot. You see, they don't like me being #1 because they're afraid I'll get too big and then they'll have to cat-toe to all my demands. As if they don't already! Let it be known that Jalen the Cat has never, not in any of his 9 lives, altered his column because of editors', sponsors', or feeders' demands. I write straight from the meow and I tell it like it is.

On that note, I'd like to use my new status to speak out against a terrible, inhumane website that has somehow infiltrated the previously vulgarity-free Internet. It's called Stuff on My Cat.com and it takes delight in showing images of torture and humiliation. Here are just three tame examples from the past week:

---------WARNING! NSFW!----------

Terrifying images like these are being added to the site every day! Stuff on My Cat.com must be stopped! How any cat can allow its humans to get away with such behavior is beyond me. Someone should really notify the Feline Amnesty International League (F.A.I.L.). I would do it myself but I'm busy being the #1 feature of the Yuba Post - an organization that, luckily for me, would never engage in such cruel, degrading activities.

Sorry to get so serious this week, but I just hope this column can make some sort of difference. And, with that said, I think it's time for a well-deserved nap.

Obituaries

Back by popular demand: the Obituaries Column!! (the sidebar poll is clearly malfunctioning)

Also back by popular demand: Everyone who was living the last time we had an Obituaries Column!!


Editors' note: In case you were wondering, yes, we are going to keep reopening the poll until someone votes for Obituaries.

Just one vote.

Please.

The Sports Page - Rock Paper Scissors Tournament

The weather was just brilliant inside Keyspan Park that day,
As crowds came down to Coney Isle to watch the Cyclones play.

But before baseball took the field another type of game
Was thrilling spectators into both clamor and acclaim.

A Rock Paper Scissors tournament was taking place

With sixty-four participants of cunning skill and grace.

The best competitors throughout the nation were all there.

Their throws were ordered, timed and planned with discipline and care.

They came from Mable, Acme, Rapid City, and Eastport,
From the gangs of Barker Creek and from the Burg's own royal court.
But the proudest town was Yuba - they were not to be outdone -
For Jeffrey, mighty Jeffrey, had been seeded number one.


There was ease in Jeffrey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Jeffrey's bearing and a smile on Jeffrey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly raised his chin,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Jeffrey that would win.


The rules were read aloud and the format was explained,
All signals must be uniform, all hand movements sustained.
Keep palms face down on paper and keep thumbs outside on rock.
Best of three determines winner, throwing "fire" is a crock.


The first round then began and Jeffrey's victim took his stance,
An eight year old named Scott who clearly didn't stand a chance.


Scott trembled as he faced the Yuban player eye-to-knee.
Mighty Jeffrey looked down at him and they both counted to three.


Then Jeffrey's mighty rock crushed Scott's poor scissors into bits
And the crowd went nearly crazy as they marveled at his wits.
But then a strange thing happened and the crowd's excitement died,
For Scott's scissors cut Jeff's paper and the contest now was tied.


With the final throw upon him mighty Jeffrey's muscles strain
And the crowd knows the top seed will not let Scott best him again.
And now the pair count off to three and now their movements taper
And now their signals appear and young Scott has chosen paper.


Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light,


And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere kittens flock;


But there is no joy in Yuba - mighty Jeffrey has thrown rock.


The End

Sunday Magazine Preview

Tomorrow, the Yuba Post will feature a hard-hitting, mind-blowing report on Rock, Paper, Scissors and will definitely not, under any circumstances, put off writing the report because the editorial staff stays up all night watching Veronica Mars DVDs.

This is the mission of the Yuba Post Sunday Magazine.

Weekend Edition Preview

Questions:
-Who is this small person in the orange shirt?
-Where is he and what is he doing?
-How did he ruin the hopes and dreams of Yubans everywhere?
-Why is he so cruel?

Four hints: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Tournament.

This story and less coming up on the Yuba Post Weekend Edition. Stay tuned.

The Yuba Post - Your #1 source for News, LimerickPics, and Obituaries!

Notable Quotables

"Heaven, heaven is a place -
A place where nothing, nothing ever happens."
-The Talking Heads

(from Heaven, a song about Yuba)

Unpaid Advertisement

Opening this Friday in theaters everywhere (but not in Yuba):

Jalen's Column - Photo du jour

Not a happy football fan.

The Yuba Post Recommends: September

Today in Yuba it is the third day of September. That means we're two days late on our Month Recommendation Series! This is the second month in a row we've been late, which might lead readers to assume that we're just a poorly run organization of hacks. But we can assure you that that's just not true.

So, without further ado, here's a list of reasons to LOOOOOVE September (compiled, as always, by our dedicated interns):

-September is the 9th month of the Yubagorian Calendar.
-"Septem" is Latin for "seven," which might make one initially wonder why September is the 9th month and not the 7th, until one remembers that few people in Yuba can speak Latin and it therefore doesn't matter.
-The German festival "Oktoberfest" begins in September, which is even more questionable, but again, doesn't really matter since few people in Germany speak Yuban.
-For those of us who don't count February, September is the shortest month of the year! (tied with a few others, of course)
-September 9th is National Grandparents' Day!
- September is a good month for your girlfriend to have a birthday.
-The autumnal equinox is currently held in September. This has something to do with the earth's axis and its orbit around the sun, but all you really need to know is that Fall begins on the 23rd.
-Brandon Hall is unaware of September. And if he was aware of it, he'd probably be indifferent.

That's all for September. Our list would be longer, but our interns start school tomorrow and have to get a good night's sleep.

Goodbye summer vacation!
AND GO SEPTEMBER!

Cell Phone on Cell Phone Action

Low-quality video proof of our mobile posting on Friday:

We apologize to Harper for any unfortunate memories these images bring back.

It's comforting to know that if Yuba Post Offices ever burn down, explode, or are razed in any other insurance-related schemes, we could still post each day at the 24-hour Apple store on 5th Avenue.

And here's one more image, just to fulfill our advertising contract:

PS - Don't tell Apple, but The YP is normally updated on a six-year-old PC.

The Sports Page

What can be said about the news from Yuba today? Such a dark, dark day it was.

At this time, in our shell shocked state, we can only reiterate what most Yuba citizens already know: Yuba Tech University has lost its season opening Ultimate Frisbee game to the Barker Creek Middle School JV squad. As a team high in the national polls, the Yuba Foons were the clear favorites to win what most considered only a "tune-up" game. But the brutal results of the contest have gut-punched us all. For sanity's sake, we'll refrain from covering the game in any further detail, but you can read all about it (if you must) at our sports affiliate's site here.

Making matters worse, Barker Creek only has a Walking Score of 3: