The Last Shift

Pop Doyle here.

...in fact, I'm the only one here. For those of you who don't know, I'm the night janitor here at the Yuba Post Building. Every night I come in around eleven; I sweep up the cat hair, I pick up the beer bottles, I dust the grand piano. I usually leave by midnight but sign out for 7 AM. It's a good gig.

Anyway, I really am the only one here. And I suppose that's not too surprising, since I am the night janitor and there's never anyone else here. But I'm starting to think I'm actually the only employee left. Sammy the Evil Cat was here last week, but on Sunday he took off and left this note behind:

Sammy the Evil Cat here - but "here" is NOT Yuba. I'm in Rapid City now, working for the Rapid City Runner newspaper. I know I'll be called a traitor for leaving, but the truth is, my growing sense of loyalty to Yuba has made me realize that my true place is here. In Rapid City. Being evil to Rapid City. Not to Yuba. The great citizens of Yuba deserve better than evilness, I know that now.
...Heck, I'm just kidding! These Rapid City humans are no better or worse than the rest of their imbecile race, but they do pay more treats per column. And they never try to touch my tummy. Drop dead Yuba Post.
...and have a pleasant day.

Since Sammy's note appeared, no one seems to have stepped foot in the office besides me. Also, I haven't received a paycheck in two months, and a "For Sale" sign appeared outside yesterday.

All this leads me to believe that the Yuba Post has come to an end. Stronger evidence is the fact that every employee (besides myself) has officially left the Post:

-Jeff Richardson, head writer, obituaries editor: MISSING. Believed possessed by spirits in the Yuba Creek Natural Area.
-Kelly, travel columnist: ON ASSIGNMENT in Brooklyn (but with no column in over two months, it's safe to assume she secretly QUIT and is just living off the Post's travel stipend)
-M. Ryan Kundinger, guest columnist: FIRED (he was rehired at the next staff meeting, but never found out since he missed the next staff meeting)
-EricMiller, food columnist: does not return phone calls, presumed EATING
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, financial consultant: FIRED after the Post failed to turn a profit (in fact, the Post is $15 in the red after that Rock Paper Scissors Tournament entry fee)
-Jalen the Cat: QUITTER
-Sammy the Evil Cat: TRAITOR

So, it looks like it's just me, ol' Pop Doyle the night janitor. And since I'm no writer - and since newspapers need writers (even online newspapers) - this would appear to be the final edition of the Yuba Post. I'll be sorry to see it go, and I know the thousands of Post readers out there will be too. The real losers, of course, will be the good people of Yuba, who will have no source of information about their bustling town. Where will they get their sports news? Their obituaries? Their LimerickPics? The future looks bleak, indeed. And I wouldn't hold out much hope for the 2007 Pick of the Patch either, since the new seeds Sammy recommended are turning out, well, different...

At least the color is right.

But, mark my words, Yuba will persevere. This town always bounces back. During the Great Fire of 1974, when encroaching flames threatened the farmers' crops, did the Yuban people panic? No! They started the Great Flood of 1974 and put out the fires! And during the Great Depression of 1974, after all the crops had been washed away, did they give up? ...well, bad example. But trust me! This little town is tough as nails - metal nails, not plastic Ikea nails - and the loss of this newspaper won't hold them back for a second!

Oh yes. Yuba will go on all right. Proud and valiant in its ongoing quest for pride and courage. For Yuba is a special place, a place of adventure as well as community. A place of nature as well as business. A place of Olympics Games and typing cats. And all who pass by its brilliant emerald signs, whether strolling by on foot or blinking past in a car, will forever be enchanted by the rolling fields, sandy shores, and pleasant streets of Yuba. That great American city called Yuba. Oh yes. Yuba will be just fine.

This is Pop Doyle reporting for the Yuba Post. Does anyone need a janitor?