The Last Shift

Pop Doyle here.

...in fact, I'm the only one here. For those of you who don't know, I'm the night janitor here at the Yuba Post Building. Every night I come in around eleven; I sweep up the cat hair, I pick up the beer bottles, I dust the grand piano. I usually leave by midnight but sign out for 7 AM. It's a good gig.

Anyway, I really am the only one here. And I suppose that's not too surprising, since I am the night janitor and there's never anyone else here. But I'm starting to think I'm actually the only employee left. Sammy the Evil Cat was here last week, but on Sunday he took off and left this note behind:

Sammy the Evil Cat here - but "here" is NOT Yuba. I'm in Rapid City now, working for the Rapid City Runner newspaper. I know I'll be called a traitor for leaving, but the truth is, my growing sense of loyalty to Yuba has made me realize that my true place is here. In Rapid City. Being evil to Rapid City. Not to Yuba. The great citizens of Yuba deserve better than evilness, I know that now.
...Heck, I'm just kidding! These Rapid City humans are no better or worse than the rest of their imbecile race, but they do pay more treats per column. And they never try to touch my tummy. Drop dead Yuba Post.
...and have a pleasant day.

Since Sammy's note appeared, no one seems to have stepped foot in the office besides me. Also, I haven't received a paycheck in two months, and a "For Sale" sign appeared outside yesterday.

All this leads me to believe that the Yuba Post has come to an end. Stronger evidence is the fact that every employee (besides myself) has officially left the Post:

-Jeff Richardson, head writer, obituaries editor: MISSING. Believed possessed by spirits in the Yuba Creek Natural Area.
-Kelly, travel columnist: ON ASSIGNMENT in Brooklyn (but with no column in over two months, it's safe to assume she secretly QUIT and is just living off the Post's travel stipend)
-M. Ryan Kundinger, guest columnist: FIRED (he was rehired at the next staff meeting, but never found out since he missed the next staff meeting)
-EricMiller, food columnist: does not return phone calls, presumed EATING
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, financial consultant: FIRED after the Post failed to turn a profit (in fact, the Post is $15 in the red after that Rock Paper Scissors Tournament entry fee)
-Jalen the Cat: QUITTER
-Sammy the Evil Cat: TRAITOR

So, it looks like it's just me, ol' Pop Doyle the night janitor. And since I'm no writer - and since newspapers need writers (even online newspapers) - this would appear to be the final edition of the Yuba Post. I'll be sorry to see it go, and I know the thousands of Post readers out there will be too. The real losers, of course, will be the good people of Yuba, who will have no source of information about their bustling town. Where will they get their sports news? Their obituaries? Their LimerickPics? The future looks bleak, indeed. And I wouldn't hold out much hope for the 2007 Pick of the Patch either, since the new seeds Sammy recommended are turning out, well, different...

At least the color is right.

But, mark my words, Yuba will persevere. This town always bounces back. During the Great Fire of 1974, when encroaching flames threatened the farmers' crops, did the Yuban people panic? No! They started the Great Flood of 1974 and put out the fires! And during the Great Depression of 1974, after all the crops had been washed away, did they give up? ...well, bad example. But trust me! This little town is tough as nails - metal nails, not plastic Ikea nails - and the loss of this newspaper won't hold them back for a second!

Oh yes. Yuba will go on all right. Proud and valiant in its ongoing quest for pride and courage. For Yuba is a special place, a place of adventure as well as community. A place of nature as well as business. A place of Olympics Games and typing cats. And all who pass by its brilliant emerald signs, whether strolling by on foot or blinking past in a car, will forever be enchanted by the rolling fields, sandy shores, and pleasant streets of Yuba. That great American city called Yuba. Oh yes. Yuba will be just fine.

This is Pop Doyle reporting for the Yuba Post. Does anyone need a janitor?

It's REALLY Time for a Change

The Yuba Post's Photo Du Jour:

Yuba's entry for the 2006 Pick of the Patch
(Yuba did not win a ribbon last year)

Happy Columbus Day Eve!

Only one more minute until Columbus Day! Get your noisemakers and smallpox vaccines ready - it's time to party like it's 1492!

It's Time for a Change

The Yuba Post Photo Du Jour:

The 2006 Pick of the Patch
...and the 10th consecutive winner from Rapid City.

News in Brief

The news from Yuba today, briefly:

-Concert attended.
-Man arrested.
-Baby born.
-Knuckle cracked.
-Mystery revealed.
-Greetings/goodbyes.
-Look given.
-He won.
-He lost.
-She said.
-Cabbage, lots.
-Event cancelled.
-Sneezing (various).
-Toxic contamination.
-Emergency evacuation.
-Survival information.
-Post late.

Obituaries

Famed author and Yuba enthusiast Ernest Hemingway has died in his home in Ketchum, Idaho. He was 61. ...the year was 1961.

Yes, 1961. In short, the Yuba Post probably should have run this obit a few decades ago. If we had, then maybe the Yuba Village Council wouldn't have just voted to present Mr. Hemingway with the key to our town.

Whoops!

But to be fair to Post editors, the Village Council still should have known better. After all, they themselves protested one of Hemingway's posthumous publications in 1975. That publication was, of course, the short story Hills Like Brown Elephant Droppings: A Farewell to Yuba, which was a fictionalized account of Hemingway's trip to Yuba. The story paints a rather bleak and depressing picture of the town - very out of line with the head nod myth - and for this reason its publication was successfully suppressed by the Yuba Village Council in exchange for providing Scribner Publishing with exclusive rights to Yuba? You-Betcha!: A Brief History of Yuba's History (Unfortunately for Scribner, Yuba? You-Betcha!: A Brief History of Yuba's History was surprisingly unsuccessful and sales have yet to exhaust its first printing).

In their own defense, members of the Village Council claim that they thought the word "posthumously" meant "funny after the fact," and so they never realized in 1975 that Hemingway was actually dead. They just assumed his story was supposed to take a while to "get."

According to the Council, this breaking news will not alter their plans and Hemingway will still be honored with the key to the town this weekend. Said one council member, "We'll still be presenting the key, but we'll be presenting it to Hemingway after his death - what we like to call a posthumous presentation. Because posthumous means after someone has died. And Hemingway has died. A while ago apparently." The ceremony will still be held this Saturday in Sayler Park, but it has been shortened from five hours to eight minutes. Absinthe will be served afterwards in Picnic Shelter #2.

Ernest Hemingway to be Honored by Yuba

Today, the Yuba Village Council voted unanimously to present the great American writer Ernest Hemingway with the key to the town of Yuba.

The key to Yuba.

This tremendous honor has only been bestowed upon one other individual in Yuba's history - Star Trek: The Next Generation cast member and Reading Rainbow host LeVar Burton, who received the key in 1994. The key was later rescinded (in fact, Burton hadn't even picked it up) when it was discovered that Burton had no connection to Yuba whatsoever and was only given the key as part of a failed bribe to allow the mayor's children to tape Reading Rainbow Book Reviews.

LeVar Burton... but you don't have to take my word for it.
(in case you never watched the show, that was a Reading Rainbow reference)
(Of course, if you never watched the show, you probably never learned to read and therefore can't understand this)

This time around, the Village Council insists that no such scandals will result. Hemingway was chosen due to his close association, both locally and globally, with the town of Yuba. Hemingway's adventures in Yuba have been well documented, from his arrival in town one day in 1919 to his eventual departure just a few minutes later. As the legend goes, a nineteen-year-old Hemingway stopped his automobile on Yuba Road and asked the Yuba Trading Post clerk directions to Walloon Lake. Witnesses say he then surveyed the landscape and gave a "subtle, approving nod" as if to imply that "Yuba was one of the best places on Earth," before returning to his vehicle and driving off never to return again. This world famous exchange is quoted on a commemorative plaque inside the old Yuba schoolhouse:

Giving Hemingway the key to Yuba is a symbolic gesture of the town's gratitude for his civic contributions. It is also a practical gift, as the key opens the gate to Sayler Park and allows Hemingway unrestricted access to the facilities; providing, of course, he obeys all park rules and reserves picnic shelters at least three days in advance. The author will be presented with the key during a five-hour ceremony inside the park. The ceremony is tentatively scheduled for this Saturday, though Hemingway has yet to confirm whether or not this date works for him. In fact, the Village Council sends word that if anyone knows how to reach Hemingway that information would be greatly appreciated - and it just might get you your own key to Yuba someday! (but probably not)

Hemingway in 1958, looking for approval from his cat Sprinkles.

Obituaries

No deaths this week.

The Yuba Post Recommends: October

Today is the first day of October, and so we've asked our interns to compile a list of important information about the month.

...And it's a good thing we have interns to do this, since most of our staff has quit, gone missing, or been fired.

October Information:
-October is the tenth month of the Yubagorian Calendar.
-The Yuba Post has never published a column in the month of October... UNTIL NOW!
-About the word "October": "Octo" comes from the Latin word eight, since October is the eighth month of the year (though it is actually the tenth - rest assured someone lost their job over that little slip); "ber" is so that October can fit in with the months surrounding it (September, November and December) and be included in their End-of-the-Year-Months Gang (though this also failed, since the other months all end in "mber" NOT "ober" and so they wouldn't let October in the gang; the Middle-of-the Year-Months Gang and the Beginning-of-the-Year-Months Gang also ostracized October and it now exists alone and friendless within the calendar).
-October is sad.
-October has x days, where x + 3,000 = (y / 22) - .5 and y = 66,693
(hint: x is a positive integer)
-Halloween is the last day of October. This is a holiday based on a successful film series about a man in a white mask who kills teenagers. October tried to trade this holiday to November for Thanksgiving but November would have none of it.
-Brandon Hall was born in October, so we're guessing he approves of it.
-Mysteriously, there are no Wednesdays in October, only extra Tuesdays disguised as Wednesdays. There is no explanation for this.
-In 14% of wall calendars, the October photograph is a nighttime setting; this is second only to July (16%). (we have no sources to back this up)
-Pumpkin-flavored products begin to appear in October. Get them soon before they give way to eggnog-flavored products in December.

Don't forget to vote on our October sidebar poll!

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 7

Since no one else has submitted a LimerickPic, Guest LimerickPic Week is now officially over.

We have decided that our disappointment at not making it a full seven days could best be expressed with...
A LIMERICKPIC!

Rachel and Murphy and Nik Frank
And Puppies and Kelly we must thank.
If you're not one of them
Your silence we condemn
For on day six our Guest L.P. Week sank.


LimerickPic NOT written by a guest.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
There is clearly very little interest in licensing information.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 6, or, Yet Another Animal Picture

Sammy the Evil Cat here. I hope you enjoy this limerick picture. I wrote the limerick. And the picture is of me. And all who read it will perish.

From the shadows I study their flaws,
And I wait for their footsteps to pause.
If their ankles are bare
I'll leap out from my chair
And I'll tear at their flesh with my claws.


LimerickPic by Sammy the Evil Cat
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Do not attempt to contact Sammy for any reason.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 5

Today's guest LimerickPic comes from Yuba Post contributor Kelly. It appears to be a concerned response to yesterday's LimerickPics of Senator Murphy.



I read last night's post with chagrin
at the state that our Yuba is in.
What thoughts are bred
in a young child's head
when his newspaper's filled with such sin?


LimerickPic by Kelly
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
We assure you, the Yuba Post is not filled with sin.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 4, or, Senator Murphy's LimerickPics: Special Edition

On Day 4 of Guest LimerickPic Week, we bring back Senator Murphy - of Double-Stanza LimerickPic fame. It turns out Mr. Murphy has a penchant for dirty limericks, which perhaps isn't surprising considering the dirty minds of most senators. As you may remember, the rules of Guest LimerickPic Week stipulated that "Dirty limericks are allowed."

...As it turns out, this isn't exactly true. Senator Murphy was so good as being dirty we had to ban some of his material, lest the purity of the Internet be tainted. Fortunately, the good Senator is a prolific LimerickPic writer (apparently his latest bill was written in LimerickPic form) and he sent us numerous LimerickPics to choose from. We present three of them here, and they get progressively dirtier. In fact, the final limerick was actually censored by our editors, though we doubt you'll be able to tell.

Enjoy.

P.S. - Senator Murphy says he may publish his censored/banned LimerickPics in their uncensored/viewable forms on his own blog, The Static (FYI - a "blog" is an amateur version of an online newspaper). You've been warned.

In a cemetery, I watched this kid cry.
It was pretty funny. I cannot lie.
Santa's stone head
He's dead. He's dead.
Then the crybaby went back inside.

I was talking to a friend who lies.
His length he tried to surmise.
We came to this tree
On a snow covered beach
He said, "Yeah, that's about the size."

I entered the ice cave on my nightly hunt
But quickly regretted that silly stunt
For weeks I sought
To change my lot
When a shaft of light led me out of that location.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 3

Continuing our puppy theme, today's LimerickPic comes from Rachel:
(editor's note: this is perhaps the funniest LimerickPic ever)

There once was a puppy named Goon
Who sniffed 'round the apartment til noon
But one tragic day
He sniffed the wrong way
and Sir Sausage thought angrily, "Soon."


LimerickPic by Rachel.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Sir Sausage if you need a feline columnist.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 2

We continue Guest LimerickPic Week with another LimerickPic that references Yuba Post staff. This seems to be a disturbing trend.

Today's LP comes from Puppies-Are-Cute@hotmail.com and eerily echoes the sentiments expressed by Puppies Rock last week in a letter to the editor regarding our preference for feline columnists over puppy columnists.

There once was a puppy named Loyal
Whose heart was broken by Pop Doyle
He asked for but a chance
Too prove his significance
But instead got nothing for his toil


LimerickPic by hpesojnad.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Licensing not available to puppies.

Guest LimerickPic Week: Day 1

We kick off our first ever Guest LimerickPic Week with this fitting LP from Nik Frank-Lehrer:
(note: our editor denies the legitimacy of this photograph)

Yuba’s editor must get his fix
Of sporting events, cat-naps and flicks
With Jalen clutched to his lap
And a villainous laugh
He declares, “I’ll solicit others’ LimerickPics!”

LimerickPic by Nik Frank-Lehrer.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact the National Football League for licensing information.

The Yuba Post Merchandise Story

What's so great about Yuba Post Merchandise? Watch the video below and find out.



When you've finished the video, buy your Yuba Post Merchandise here.

Today's Top Story: Birthday Cake

Due to the birthday celebration of Yuba Post correspondent Kelly, today's news has been canceled.

Instead of news, we offer a birthday cake:

A Special Thanks to a Special Liga

It's a slow news day in Yuba, so the Yuba Post would like to take this opportunity to address the Serbian professional basketball league: On behalf of the entire Yuba community, we'd like to sincerely thank you for naming your league in our town's honor. It is truly a privilege and a surprise to be recognized by an organization as far away as... wherever you are. Europe, maybe? So thank you, Yuba Liga, for molding your name after our humble town. We only hope that this tribute is the first step in your eventual agreement to break from the International Olympic Committee and participate in our "boycotted" Olympic Games, whenever they should be held. Until that day, Yuba Liga, we wish you the best of luck in your continuing mastery over the sport of basketball.

The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months

It's time for everyone's favorite column: The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months!

This five months' word is: "Thursday."

"Thursday" is the fifth day of the week (or fourth, depending when your week starts) and falls between Wednesday and Friday. It comes from the phrase "Thor's Day." Thor was the Norse god of thunder.

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Yuba Post's Word of the Five Months, coming sometime in February 2008!

Sammy the Evil Cat

Sammy the Evil Cat here. This is my first column for this Yuba Daily thing. Here's what you should know about me: I live in the Richardson residence in Williamsburg and I hate you. Yes, you. I hate you. Leave me alone.

Also know that if I could bite you through the Internet, I would.

And don't even think about touching my tummy. These Yuba reporters made that mistake once and I hissed so loudly the blond one wet himself.

I know you're all extremely happy to finally have a cat columnist that isn't overweight and human-loving, so I'll just let you bask in that happiness for now. Next column, however, I will hurt your soul. You've been warned.

I hope this column has been satisfying to read.

Cafe Press, Yuba Post Announce Business Partnership

We all know the feeling. You've got an important meeting coming up and you just don't have anything to wear! Maybe it's a first date; maybe it's a job interview. Maybe you're meeting your fiance's parents for the first time, or trying to close an important business deal. Whatever the situation, you just can't seem to choose an outfit - all of a sudden none of your clothes look right. Your wardrobe has become a bland mess of fabric and you wonder how you ever manage to get dressed at all! ...Not to mention the fact that your tote bag is broken and your hot beverage is lacking a receptacle! Yes, we all know the feeling.

But now you can make situations like these a thing of the past! With Yuba Post merchandise on CafePress.com, you'll never lack stylish clothing, working tote bags, or receptacles for hot beverages again! We know, we know - it sounds too good to be true. Well, IT IS! There's a catch - these items cost money! Lots of money.

...but they're worth it! Support the Yuba Post. Support the economy. And always look fashionable - no matter what the situation.

Visit the Yuba Post on CafePress.com, and have your credit card ready!

Title? What?

The Yuba Post regrets the lack of a coherent news item today but it seems the editors of the Post have lost their little black notebook where they keep their ideas for future posts and they really need that notebook because it takes time to formulate ideas for posts and that notebook was where they formulated and with no notebook there are no formulating ideas and the editors become lost and confused and they can't remember what was worth reporting and they remember something about a new cat columnist and maybe guest LimerickPics but mostly they just think about their beautiful little black notebook and how it always used to tell them what to write and how lonely it must be now and how lonely the editors are without it and it was a Moleskine notebook which is the best kind and the same kind used by greats like Van Gogh and Hemingway who incidentally visited Yuba once during one of his boyhood trips to Michigan which would make a great story for the Yuba Post except that we have nowhere to write down the idea like on a Moleskine notebook which was used by greats like Picasso and Brandon Hall and now the Yuba Post except that the Yuba Post has lost theirs and they're having trouble writing without it because it had all their ideas and writing without ideas and writing without a little black notebook is nearly impossible though you'd never know it by reading the Yuba Post because they are so excellent at managing crises and still putting out a great column every day of the year.

Wanted: Feline Columnist

The Yuba Post seeks feline columnist for its online newspaper.

-Experience a must.
-Position requires a minimum of two columns per month.
-Desired applicant will be curmudgeonly yet likable, possess a natural wit for cat puns, and be extremely photogenic and visually appealing.
-The Yuba Post reserves the right to disrupt naps if deadlines are approaching.
-Position is unpaid but has great benefits, including water, dry food pellets, plastic balls with bells inside of them, and constant tummy-rubbing.
-Traditional domestic cats preferred, but non-human-consuming lions and tigers will be considered.
-Those not litter trained need not apply.

Letters to the Editor

The Yuba Post receives bags and bags of email everyday, and occasionally we get a few worth publishing - sometimes even worth reading. So, for our more passive followers (meaning, those who don't patrol Yuba Post comments as obsessively as the Yuba Post staff) we've plucked out some of the more notable Yuba Post reader remarks and included them here. It's a section we like to call, "Letters to the Editor."

Hopeful readers struggle to get their letter published on the pages of the Yuba Post

These are unedited comments from actual readers:

"I'm published on a reputable website!
-EricMiller, July 11

"Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais."
-Rodrigo, June 23

"stop talking"

-kittycatrat, September 2

"I think this blog is the greatest thing to ever happen to me."
-Jake Z, May 9

"I've been trying to read the Juba Post."

-Jake Z, July 9

"I like men who like hot dogs."

-Kelly, June 23

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't know what the word "doff" means. Also, I won't be able to drive for another 8 years. Also, girls have cooties and they won't leave me alone. Still, and I apologize for gloating, it was pretty cool to take down the Jolly Green Giant. How's the weather up there, freak?"
-Scott, September 11, to PopDoyle following their Rock Paper Scissors contest.

"Dat dere's a real nice limerickpic, p doyle."
-Poemin' Jerome astutely commented on June 24

"THAT'S THE STUFF, DOYLE! THAT'S THE STUFF RIGHT THERE!"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, July 16

"Brandon Hall sucks. There's no way he would be able to rhyme depravity with ga-ravity. He is an inarticulate imbecile with the creativity of a worm on prozac. You give him too much credit, Mr. Frank-Lehrer. Too much, indeed."
-Senator Murphy, June 18

"Oh, if only I could be back in Yuba. Those were my happiest days. My second wife still loved me and my beautiful children believed me when I told them Lucky had run away. Those sure were the days."
-Senator Murphy, June 3

"You are a poser, Senator Murphy. You've never been to Yuba, and, if you'd had, you'd still be smelling the women there as we speak."
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, June 5

"I like to stroll downtown with a luxurious gait with my long blond hair flowing into the wind and think about colorful flowers."
-EricMiller, July 13, citing his favorite thing to do in downtown Yuba.

"Abraham Lincoln once said, 'if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.'"

-Michael Scott, July 10, quoting his own quote from his fictional TV show.

"iPhones killed my mom."
-Harper, September 1

"Even more embarrassing, Rapid City got a score of 29. You did tie Williamsburg. I'm not sure you can be proud of that, though."
-hpesojnad, August 24, referencing Yuba's "walk score" of 6.

"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost..."
-hpesojnad, August 10, responding to Kelly's physics joke with an equally confusing physics joke (but just as funny)

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I've already written 7500 words toward my quota and now you CUT YOUR VACATION SHORT!? Just for that, I will GO ON VACATION MYSELF! See how you like it!"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, August 13, after learning his guest post had been canceled.

"I grilled a hotdog at Sayler Park once. It was good."
-Bob Conklin, September 1

"OK. So, obviously this is going to be asking a bit much, but I want MORE YUBA POST. The posts just aren't coming fast enough for me. The Huffington Post gives me updates like infinity times a day. So does the New York Times. I don't know if you need to boost your staff or what, but I'm like a junkie needing a good fix and getting the cut stuff once a day. It's weak. I need more Yuba Post. Please. I got the shakes and everything."

-Senator Murphy, September 7

"As a guy who plays it tough and also happens to love kittens, I have to say that these shots of Jalen are top notch! I've been following Jalen's work for years, and this cat is at the peak of his career. Give Jalen my love, because he has given me the inspiration to pursue a career in international modeling."
-ToughGuyWhoLovesKittens, August 8

"Jalen's a cat."
-Jake Z, June 1

"Jalen, you da man!
Your blog is chillin
and it's thrillin.
Dere's no cat you be betta than!
P.S. See, I ain just no slacker limerick-pic-response writa. Dis heah ABBA poem woulda made ole Sista Larentia proud a me, man."
-Poemin' Jerome, June 21

"too bad it wasn't fatal - would have made for a great obituaries column ..."
-Kelly, June 28, in response to Jalen the Cat's heat stroke.

"Nothing sexier than a cat with belly fat poking out below his shirt."
-M. Ryan Kundinger, July 30

"Why is the cat's name Jalen?"
-Nik Frank-Lehrer, June 2

"JALENyay!"
-Treebark's sister, September 2

"This is despicable. I hereby tender my resignation from this ignorant publication."

-Jalen the Cat, September 12

Wiki Wiki Yuba!

The Yuba Post has corrected a terrible oversight on the part of the Internet community by finally creating a Wikipedia page for the great town of Yuba. We think you'll all agree this was long overdue. The article is a little rough, but it's better than nothing. Check it out here and let us know what you think.

The Yuba Post Wants YOU!!!

The Yuba Post is proud to present the first ever Guest LimerickPic Week!!!

That's right, the Yuba Post is having a special week devoted solely to Guest LimerickPics and we want YOU to submit one (or two, or more!). Guest LimerickPic week begins on Monday the 24th and continues until we run out of LimerickPics, or until we get bored.

Submission Information
-email LimerickPics to theyubapost@yahoo.com
-include a limerick and a corresponding picture
-dirty limericks are allowed
-dirty pictures are NOT allowed
-the form of a limerick is not set in stone, but, as a type of poem, limericks do have "rules" (ala the haiku or the sonnet). Try to follow them.
-for information on limericks, check the Wikipedia page here
-for information on LimerickPics, read this post
-for examples of LimerickPics, click here
-LimerickPics can be on any subject, and do not have to mention Yuba
-Disparaging the Yuba Post in any manner will result in non-publication. This is not censorship, it's merely us putting limits on the bounds of your artistic expression.
-do not take credit for inventing the LimerickPic. "LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
-You need not contact Nik Frank-Lehrer to submit
-by submitting a LimerickPic, you agree to allow the Yuba Post to publish your work on the Internet and grant them the right to take full credit for your work if they deem it necessary

The Yuba Post Proudly Presents...

Inspired by Jalen the Cat's insightful column about the lucrativeness of websites with cute cat photos, the editors of the Yuba Post are proud to announce their newest and greatest creation:

Stuff on Jalen the Cat.com! (www.stuffonjalenthecat.blogspot.com)

We hope you enjoy!

...and if you do enjoy, don't forget to order all your favorite Stuff on Jalen the Cat merchandise! We stock t-shirts and daily calendars, and hope to soon expand into collectible holograms.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here and wow does it feel good to be the top dog.

I'm referring to the Yuba Post's sidebar poll question in which my column has held a commanding lead for "favorite feature" since the poll was put up almost a month ago. The editors, of course, continue to extend the length of the poll, which was originally to have closed two weeks ago. They're just hoping I'll get knocked off the top spot. You see, they don't like me being #1 because they're afraid I'll get too big and then they'll have to cat-toe to all my demands. As if they don't already! Let it be known that Jalen the Cat has never, not in any of his 9 lives, altered his column because of editors', sponsors', or feeders' demands. I write straight from the meow and I tell it like it is.

On that note, I'd like to use my new status to speak out against a terrible, inhumane website that has somehow infiltrated the previously vulgarity-free Internet. It's called Stuff on My Cat.com and it takes delight in showing images of torture and humiliation. Here are just three tame examples from the past week:

---------WARNING! NSFW!----------

Terrifying images like these are being added to the site every day! Stuff on My Cat.com must be stopped! How any cat can allow its humans to get away with such behavior is beyond me. Someone should really notify the Feline Amnesty International League (F.A.I.L.). I would do it myself but I'm busy being the #1 feature of the Yuba Post - an organization that, luckily for me, would never engage in such cruel, degrading activities.

Sorry to get so serious this week, but I just hope this column can make some sort of difference. And, with that said, I think it's time for a well-deserved nap.

Obituaries

Back by popular demand: the Obituaries Column!! (the sidebar poll is clearly malfunctioning)

Also back by popular demand: Everyone who was living the last time we had an Obituaries Column!!


Editors' note: In case you were wondering, yes, we are going to keep reopening the poll until someone votes for Obituaries.

Just one vote.

Please.

The Sports Page - Rock Paper Scissors Tournament

The weather was just brilliant inside Keyspan Park that day,
As crowds came down to Coney Isle to watch the Cyclones play.

But before baseball took the field another type of game
Was thrilling spectators into both clamor and acclaim.

A Rock Paper Scissors tournament was taking place

With sixty-four participants of cunning skill and grace.

The best competitors throughout the nation were all there.

Their throws were ordered, timed and planned with discipline and care.

They came from Mable, Acme, Rapid City, and Eastport,
From the gangs of Barker Creek and from the Burg's own royal court.
But the proudest town was Yuba - they were not to be outdone -
For Jeffrey, mighty Jeffrey, had been seeded number one.


There was ease in Jeffrey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Jeffrey's bearing and a smile on Jeffrey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly raised his chin,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Jeffrey that would win.


The rules were read aloud and the format was explained,
All signals must be uniform, all hand movements sustained.
Keep palms face down on paper and keep thumbs outside on rock.
Best of three determines winner, throwing "fire" is a crock.


The first round then began and Jeffrey's victim took his stance,
An eight year old named Scott who clearly didn't stand a chance.


Scott trembled as he faced the Yuban player eye-to-knee.
Mighty Jeffrey looked down at him and they both counted to three.


Then Jeffrey's mighty rock crushed Scott's poor scissors into bits
And the crowd went nearly crazy as they marveled at his wits.
But then a strange thing happened and the crowd's excitement died,
For Scott's scissors cut Jeff's paper and the contest now was tied.


With the final throw upon him mighty Jeffrey's muscles strain
And the crowd knows the top seed will not let Scott best him again.
And now the pair count off to three and now their movements taper
And now their signals appear and young Scott has chosen paper.


Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light,


And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere kittens flock;


But there is no joy in Yuba - mighty Jeffrey has thrown rock.


The End

Sunday Magazine Preview

Tomorrow, the Yuba Post will feature a hard-hitting, mind-blowing report on Rock, Paper, Scissors and will definitely not, under any circumstances, put off writing the report because the editorial staff stays up all night watching Veronica Mars DVDs.

This is the mission of the Yuba Post Sunday Magazine.

Weekend Edition Preview

Questions:
-Who is this small person in the orange shirt?
-Where is he and what is he doing?
-How did he ruin the hopes and dreams of Yubans everywhere?
-Why is he so cruel?

Four hints: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Tournament.

This story and less coming up on the Yuba Post Weekend Edition. Stay tuned.

The Yuba Post - Your #1 source for News, LimerickPics, and Obituaries!

Notable Quotables

"Heaven, heaven is a place -
A place where nothing, nothing ever happens."
-The Talking Heads

(from Heaven, a song about Yuba)

Unpaid Advertisement

Opening this Friday in theaters everywhere (but not in Yuba):

Jalen's Column - Photo du jour

Not a happy football fan.