They Forgot to Take Away My Keys

Dear Yuba Post Readers:

As you may know, the Yuba Post management decided to fire me, but, being the numskulls that they are, they forgot to take away my keys. So, while they were outside taking their evening siestas (who siestas in the evening anyway), I deleted today's article--an intriguing exposé on how Marc Cuban plans to buy the Chicago Cubs and relocate them, Wrigley Field and all, to Yuba--and replaced it with the following useless, random, and uncited fact:

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies.

Rapid City Prepares Ninja Invasion

Yuba's neighbor uses special forces to launch 'hearts and minds' campaign.

Rapid City has secretly developed an aggressive ninja special forces unit to use in its escalating conflict with Yuba, says a high-ranking Rapid City government official. The member of Rapid City's oligarchy asked not to be named for fear of ninja reprisal. The Yuba Post has found independent corroborating evidence of this devious scheme. This website, http://www.askaninja.com/, provides conclusive proof of the Rapid City ninja force. The website is clearly an effort to win the hearts and minds of Yubans at home and abroad. A campaign of this sort can only be the precursor to an invasion by the dreaded ninjas.

The ninjas launched the website in an effort to engender themselves to the Yuba citizenry. The ridiculous and idiotic way in which the Ninjas answer questions that are supposedly submitted by viewers is clearly an effort into tricking the superior Yuba military into thinking that the Rapid City ninjas are not dangerous.

A senior Yuba official, speaking on the condition of anonymity--though admittedly, there is only one Yuba official--suggested that there may also be coded messages hidden within the Ninja broadcast. "Why else would they be talking about these ludicrous topics," the official said.

The recent sabotage at the Yuba post--which an in-depth investigation attributed to ninjas--is more clear evidence of Rapid City's aggressive intentions. We at the Yuba Post, while we believe strongly in the importance of an objective press, cannot in good conscious remain silent about this devious plan. Thus, a message to all patriotic Yubans, don't be fooled, there are few things more dangerous than a ninja.

The Yuba Post Honors Fathers

The Yuba Post would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the fathers that are reading this. As a sign of that gratitude, we urge our readers to call your dad with the time that you would normally use to peruse our stories.

Happy father's day.


Editor's Note: The weekend news desk at The Yuba Post has uncovered evidence that the malicious attack on our website perpetrated this past Friday may not have been an isolated incident. The weekend editorial staff decided to hold off publication of the full story until crucial details can be confirmed, but Yubans everywhere should expect a detailed report in the near future.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

THE GOOD

Brooklyn Lager. A crisp micro brew originally produced in the borough which it is named after--now it is "brewed and bottled in Utica, NY." This favorite of hipsters looking for a step-up from from their normal beverage of choice--PBR--has a fresh taste hitting the lips and is full of hops on the back of your throat. While it is available across the East Coast at restaurants and bars specializing in micro-brews, it is easily available every in five boroughs. A definate highlight of any trip to Gotham.

THE BAD

Street-vendor hot pretzels. This favorite of tourists, commonly available from street venders in cities across the country, seems especially popular in NYC. However, don't let the promise of warm tender goodness fool you. Without the addition of a tasty sauce or condiment (and lets be honest, yellow mustard just doesn't cut it), these treats of twisted dough just don't live up to the promise. Instead of the freshly cooked goodness that you expect, you will get an overly salted, stale, luke warm phantom of the snack which you expected to enjoy.

THE UGLY

New York City Subway System. I'm not breaking any ground by stating that this, the most famous of the nations public transit systems, is the ultimate in functionality over fashion. While it is guaranteed to get you from where you are to where you want to go, there is no beauty in standing on a hot, trash filled, rat infested platform with the distinct smell of urine floating around you. It doesn't help having no idea how long your train will take to arrive. But, rest assured--as long as there are no service delays-- your train will come and you will be on your way to exploring what is possibly the best, possibly the most overrated city in the country.

The Yuba Post takes full responsibility for any copyright, trademark, or other intellectual property right violation occurring in this or future posts. The contributing author is completely indemnified against any future legal action.