Throughout its history, Yuba has always been occupied by competitive people, so it should come as no surprise that the town has hosted numerous professional sports teams and athletic events over the years. What should be surprising is the fact that Yuba has never been host to the world's most prestigious games. However, the Tic Tac Toe Championships are not the subject of this report. This report focuses on another event Yuba has never hosted: The Olympic Games. 
Of course, it's not really accurate to say that Yuba has never hosted the Games. True, the town has never hosted an event recognized by the International Olympic Committee, but Yuba was indeed the host of the 1845 Olympics. At that time, the Olympics had not been held since 393 AD and had never occurred outside of Greece. These Yuban Olympics predated the "official" modern games by nearly four decades. And they were not just some best-of-city activity; this was a real international competition. The Games were formally announced in the Yuba Post during the summer of 1844, and all the nations of the world were invited to compete. Of course, the Post was then being published via pigeon carriers, so a few of the issues were expected to be lost. Still, imagine the town's surprise when no other United States athletes arrived to compete. Worse yet, only one foreign nation, the Pitcairn Islands, sent athletes to the games.
The Pitcairn Islands
The Pitcairn Islands Mutineers and the Yuba Foons (representing the United States) competed in 6 events:
-badminton
-cribbage
-floating pine cone race (later known as Poohsticks)
-running (not a timed race but a judged activity, ala figure skating)
-cat-lifting
-and the triathlon (combining river floating, sack racing, and speed walking)
Despite the home crowd chants of "GO Yuba Foons!" the Mutineers were victorious in all events and took home five gold medals (the sixth was mistaken for a pine cone and dropped into the river). However, the obvious legitimacy of these Games is overlooked by the International Olympic Committee and they have never been recognized as an official Olympic competition. Not even the United States government will acknowledge the 1845 Games, though the Pitcairn Islands still celebrate their victory to this day (fact: 80% of all Yuba tourists come from the Pitcairn Islands, or, 4 of the 5 tourists since 1974).
But the saga of the Yuba Olympics does not end there. In 1920, after the rest of the world had finally embraced the idea of international Olympic competition, Yuba applied to again host the event. It was, after all, the 75-year anniversary of the 1845 Games. An application was sent to the International Olympic Committee. Pigeon carriers were specifically avoided due to the previous Yuba Games' mishap (in fact, all message-carrying birds had been tried and executed in 1846) and the application was sent instead via postcard. There was no response and - since their request had not been denied - the citizens of Yuba could only assume that they were indeed hosting the 1920 Olympics. Preparation began immediately.
Of course, as we all now know, the 1920 Olympics were in fact held in Antwerp, Belgium - which even Belgians have to admit is a pretty funny name for a city. Apparently, Yuba's application for the Games was never taken into consideration by the committee as it was "deemed to be a joke." The humor of this "joke" has never been explained to the understandably disappointed people of Yuba, who did not catch wind of the "official" Antwerp Olympics until months after their own 1920 Games were held. As in the previous century, an expectant Yuba population waited for foreign athletes to arrive and, as in the previous century, only the Pitcairn Islands sent representatives. In this instance, there was only one competitor from the Islands: a 96-year old veteran of the 1845 Games who had finally returned for the Yuban woman he pledged to marry seventy-five years before. He knew nothing of the 1920 Games and it was pure coincidence that he arrived on the first day of competition. He competed anyway, and won gold in 6 of 7 events (the seventh event, Yuba Trivia, was added at the last minute by the Games organizers in order to avoid a second consecutive sweep). The old Mutineer took his medals and his bride, and - according to witnesses - sailed away into a Lake Michigan sunset.
An Olympian Sails to Certain Death by Artist Unknown
Though obviously disappointed with the lack of recognition their previous Olympics received, the people of Yuba would not be deterred. They applied to host the games one final, infamous time in the summer of 1974 (applying for the 1980 Games). Wary of their application being "deemed a joke," they started an intense postcard-writing campaign to insist that Yuba get fair treatment. All of Yuba's industry shut down and the entire population did nothing but write postcards to the International Olympic Committee for three straight weeks. Eventually the committee caved in and sent a representative to inspect the location. What happened next is the stuff of Yuba legend, and also one of the greatest sports injustices of all time. A hateful bias against the town of Yuba was evident in every action of the Olympic representative as he continually found fault in the smallest, most ridiculous details of the town. Among the most glaringly contrived excuses cited:
-"running track should be on a flat surface"
-an Olympic-sized pool has "specific measurements" and a river is "not sufficient"
-"inadequate security" (despite the town's low crime rate)
-"inadequate parking" (despite the fact that the representative never had trouble parking)
-"lack of a major airport" (try
the Yuba Airport?)
-campgrounds are "inadequate" athlete housing (note the vagueness of the complaint)
-"cat-lifting is not an Olympic sport" (this is actually true)
Needless to say, the Olympic representative's findings were not received kindly by the people of Yuba. Harsh words were exchanged, and a few unwise threats may have been issued. Whatever exactly transpired, the end result was that the following week the International Olympic Committee took out a full page ad in the Yuba Post (a first for the Post) and announced that Yuba was officially banned from hosting the Olympics in the future.
After having their spirits crushed, the people of Yuba have slowly, begrudgingly resigned themselves to a future without an Olympic Games. And with the bobsled track being dismantled last year, all physical vestiges of the Failed 1974 Olympics Application are now gone. All that remains are the sad memories and the crushed dreams. One hopes that someday these too will disappear from Yuba, but with rival town Rapid City reportedly high in the running for the 2016 summer games, it looks like old wounds may soon be reopened.
Reporting for the Yuba Post, this is Pop Doyle.
The weather was just brilliant inside Keyspan Park that day,
They came from Mable, Acme, Rapid City, and Eastport,
There was ease in Jeffrey's manner as he stepped into his place;
The rules were read aloud and the format was explained,
The first round then began and Jeffrey's victim took his stance,
Scott trembled as he faced the Yuban player eye-to-knee.
Then Jeffrey's mighty rock crushed Scott's poor scissors into bits
With the final throw upon him mighty Jeffrey's muscles strain
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere kittens flock;
But there is no joy in Yuba - mighty Jeffrey has thrown rock.
The End 
