Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here and wow does it feel good to be the top dog.

I'm referring to the Yuba Post's sidebar poll question in which my column has held a commanding lead for "favorite feature" since the poll was put up almost a month ago. The editors, of course, continue to extend the length of the poll, which was originally to have closed two weeks ago. They're just hoping I'll get knocked off the top spot. You see, they don't like me being #1 because they're afraid I'll get too big and then they'll have to cat-toe to all my demands. As if they don't already! Let it be known that Jalen the Cat has never, not in any of his 9 lives, altered his column because of editors', sponsors', or feeders' demands. I write straight from the meow and I tell it like it is.

On that note, I'd like to use my new status to speak out against a terrible, inhumane website that has somehow infiltrated the previously vulgarity-free Internet. It's called Stuff on My Cat.com and it takes delight in showing images of torture and humiliation. Here are just three tame examples from the past week:

---------WARNING! NSFW!----------

Terrifying images like these are being added to the site every day! Stuff on My Cat.com must be stopped! How any cat can allow its humans to get away with such behavior is beyond me. Someone should really notify the Feline Amnesty International League (F.A.I.L.). I would do it myself but I'm busy being the #1 feature of the Yuba Post - an organization that, luckily for me, would never engage in such cruel, degrading activities.

Sorry to get so serious this week, but I just hope this column can make some sort of difference. And, with that said, I think it's time for a well-deserved nap.

Jalen's Column - Photo du jour

Not a happy football fan.

Jalen's Column - Back From Vacation

Jalen the Cat here. I'm back from my Hawaiian vacation. It was the most fun I've had since the Teen Choice Awards after party - as much pineapple as I could lick, and all the sun was great for my fur. Plus I became a licensed Hula dancer. Maybe I'll write more about it later, but for my first post-vacation blog I thought I'd just mention the resort where I stayed. It's right on the coast in Maui, a beautiful view. All the rooms come with free cat's pajamas. Plus it's got a fantastic social scene - just check out the promotional video below. Now that's what I'm meowin' about!

Jalen Through the Looking Glass

I'll just rest for a minute in the closet...

...mmmmm, scarves are soft...

...Apples? Apples? Yes, please...

...zzzzzzzzz-meow-zzzzzzzzz...

...Jalen, your cat mission, if you choose to accept it: infiltrate the Yuba Tuna Fish Factory; charm the occupying terrorists with your sexy stomach; sample ALL tuna for quality, flavor, texture, odor, moistness, succulent-ness, tuna-iness...

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here. As you may have noticed, the Post editors have been a little "busy" this past week (little writing, lots of slacking, if you ask me), so I got roped into doing a second column. As if I have nothing better to do! Humans aren't the only ones with lives, you know! I'm giving up my 12th nap - my favorite - today to get this done!

Anyway, I'll keep it short and just post an interesting link I came across. It concerns an old grade school classmate of mine named Oscar. He was in a news story that was picked up by the national press (though not by the Yuba Post, of course, since the editors have no idea that life actually exists outside of this wasted little outpost they call a city). Check out the story here. Oscar always was a strange little kitten (he had pierced ears and wore leather tail stockings) but I never imagined this.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here. Recently I took part in a photo shoot for Playcat Magazine. Below are some of the best shots. They say I might make the cover, so let me know which photo makes me look fluffiest.

Jalen is wearing an American Apparel Baby Rib Dog T (Small, Teal/Purple).

Add to my blog

Jalen's Column: I Am a Master of Hearts

Jalen the Cat here and I am a master of Hearts.

The other day I played the greatest game ever. I was up against Julius, Sammy and Bernard, so admittedly there wasn't much competition. But it was still incredible - this kind of performance would poof the tail of a Newark alley cat.

First hand, I shot the moon.
Second hand, I shot the moon.
Third hand, you guessed it, I shot the moon. Because I am awesome.

Forth hand was a hold hand, so I couldn't quite get my cards the way I like 'em. Still, I went for the moon... and lost the final two hearts on the last trick! Just like old Sammy to rain on my mouse parade.

But I wasn't giving up. I was gonna shoot the moon or lose my 4th life trying. Fifth hand...

Wham! Bam! Thank you Friskies! Game over!


This is Jalen the Cat and I am a master of Hearts.

Jalen's Column: Jalen's Scrapbook

Jalen the Cat here. I'm still recovering from my heat stroke last week and am in dire need of more treats. My humans don't believe me. Please send help.

On a lighter note, I thought I'd share one of my favorite photos from my scrapbook. This is a picture of me and Jalen Rose (my namesake; or am I his namesake? Fleas! - I can't remember). It was taken right after something occurred that was worth celebrating. He is 6' 8" and I had to reach up on one paw just to give him some dap. We went out after the game and celebrated with apples and tummy-rubbing.

Good times.

Jalen's Statement

Jalen the Cat, who is still recovering from his heat stroke two days ago, issued the following statement this morning:

"I'm Yuba Post Contributor Jalen the Cat, and I should be dead.

"It was a very traumatic experience but I feel like God does make everything happen for a reason and it gave me a time-out in life just to find out what was important and what I want to do, figure out who I am.

"Although my plans for the future haven't changed, I believe this brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead our city."


Jon Corzine, Paris Hilton, and Mayor Bloomberg have not yet commented on Jalen's situation.

Jalen's Column: Post Postponed

The editors of The Yuba Post regret to announce that this week's Jalen's Column has been postponed due to illness. It appears that Jalen the Cat was working on today's post when he collapsed with a nearly fatal heat stroke.



A spokesperson for Jalen reports that he is recovering quickly and expects to be back posting within 20-25 naps (approximately 1 day). Also, Jalen does not expect this incident to count towards his nine lives, and considers himself still on number 4.

One witness to the scene has quoted Jalen as blaming "my lazy, [expletive deleted] humans" for the collapse, referring to the fact that they have not yet purchased an air conditioner for his apartment. Temperatures in New York today reached the high 80's and humidity was at 85%.

Jalen's Column: Video Blogging

Jalen the Cat here. Writing this column can be a real pain in the tail because of these tiny keys. I mean, for the love of Leo, can we get a paw-sized keyboard anytime soon?



Anyway, I've decided to try video blogging instead. Let me know what you think.

Jalen's Column (Crime Beat)

Jalen the Cat here with the crime beat for this week.

Monday - Intruder alert. False alarm. Was actually my own tail.

Tuesday - Nothing happened.

Wednesday - My day off.

Thursday - Intruder alert. Not a false alarm. Someone clearly broke in and ripped open my food bag. It couldn't have been me, as I am perfectly incapable of getting on top of the fridge. Nevermind that I wasn't that hungry when Kelly got home at 10:30 PM despite not having been fed all day. I wasn't hungry because I was in shock! Over the intruder!

Anyway, old Pop Doyle is out watching basketball, and I know he didn't want to lose his streak. So I'm filling in ... again. And I've never even been to Yuba!

Jalen's Column

Jalen the cat here.
My British friend Macavity got some good press recently so I thought I would pass on the article.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the cat here. This is a map of my neighborhood in Brooklyn.
My map

Cat Trick

My humans feed me to get thinner-
Their focus is outer not inner.
So when they turn the locks
I paw through the icebox
And make up a happier dinner.

Photo by Jeff Richardson. January 23rd, 2007. Brooklyn, NY.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Nik Frank-Lehrer for licensing information.