Obituaries

Back by popular demand: the Obituaries Column!! (the sidebar poll is clearly malfunctioning)

Also back by popular demand: Everyone who was living the last time we had an Obituaries Column!!


Editors' note: In case you were wondering, yes, we are going to keep reopening the poll until someone votes for Obituaries.

Just one vote.

Please.

The Sports Page - Rock Paper Scissors Tournament

The weather was just brilliant inside Keyspan Park that day,
As crowds came down to Coney Isle to watch the Cyclones play.

But before baseball took the field another type of game
Was thrilling spectators into both clamor and acclaim.

A Rock Paper Scissors tournament was taking place

With sixty-four participants of cunning skill and grace.

The best competitors throughout the nation were all there.

Their throws were ordered, timed and planned with discipline and care.

They came from Mable, Acme, Rapid City, and Eastport,
From the gangs of Barker Creek and from the Burg's own royal court.
But the proudest town was Yuba - they were not to be outdone -
For Jeffrey, mighty Jeffrey, had been seeded number one.


There was ease in Jeffrey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Jeffrey's bearing and a smile on Jeffrey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly raised his chin,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Jeffrey that would win.


The rules were read aloud and the format was explained,
All signals must be uniform, all hand movements sustained.
Keep palms face down on paper and keep thumbs outside on rock.
Best of three determines winner, throwing "fire" is a crock.


The first round then began and Jeffrey's victim took his stance,
An eight year old named Scott who clearly didn't stand a chance.


Scott trembled as he faced the Yuban player eye-to-knee.
Mighty Jeffrey looked down at him and they both counted to three.


Then Jeffrey's mighty rock crushed Scott's poor scissors into bits
And the crowd went nearly crazy as they marveled at his wits.
But then a strange thing happened and the crowd's excitement died,
For Scott's scissors cut Jeff's paper and the contest now was tied.


With the final throw upon him mighty Jeffrey's muscles strain
And the crowd knows the top seed will not let Scott best him again.
And now the pair count off to three and now their movements taper
And now their signals appear and young Scott has chosen paper.


Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light,


And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere kittens flock;


But there is no joy in Yuba - mighty Jeffrey has thrown rock.


The End

Sunday Magazine Preview

Tomorrow, the Yuba Post will feature a hard-hitting, mind-blowing report on Rock, Paper, Scissors and will definitely not, under any circumstances, put off writing the report because the editorial staff stays up all night watching Veronica Mars DVDs.

This is the mission of the Yuba Post Sunday Magazine.

Weekend Edition Preview

Questions:
-Who is this small person in the orange shirt?
-Where is he and what is he doing?
-How did he ruin the hopes and dreams of Yubans everywhere?
-Why is he so cruel?

Four hints: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Tournament.

This story and less coming up on the Yuba Post Weekend Edition. Stay tuned.

The Yuba Post - Your #1 source for News, LimerickPics, and Obituaries!

Notable Quotables

"Heaven, heaven is a place -
A place where nothing, nothing ever happens."
-The Talking Heads

(from Heaven, a song about Yuba)

Unpaid Advertisement

Opening this Friday in theaters everywhere (but not in Yuba):

Jalen's Column - Photo du jour

Not a happy football fan.

The Yuba Post Recommends: September

Today in Yuba it is the third day of September. That means we're two days late on our Month Recommendation Series! This is the second month in a row we've been late, which might lead readers to assume that we're just a poorly run organization of hacks. But we can assure you that that's just not true.

So, without further ado, here's a list of reasons to LOOOOOVE September (compiled, as always, by our dedicated interns):

-September is the 9th month of the Yubagorian Calendar.
-"Septem" is Latin for "seven," which might make one initially wonder why September is the 9th month and not the 7th, until one remembers that few people in Yuba can speak Latin and it therefore doesn't matter.
-The German festival "Oktoberfest" begins in September, which is even more questionable, but again, doesn't really matter since few people in Germany speak Yuban.
-For those of us who don't count February, September is the shortest month of the year! (tied with a few others, of course)
-September 9th is National Grandparents' Day!
- September is a good month for your girlfriend to have a birthday.
-The autumnal equinox is currently held in September. This has something to do with the earth's axis and its orbit around the sun, but all you really need to know is that Fall begins on the 23rd.
-Brandon Hall is unaware of September. And if he was aware of it, he'd probably be indifferent.

That's all for September. Our list would be longer, but our interns start school tomorrow and have to get a good night's sleep.

Goodbye summer vacation!
AND GO SEPTEMBER!

Cell Phone on Cell Phone Action

Low-quality video proof of our mobile posting on Friday:

We apologize to Harper for any unfortunate memories these images bring back.

It's comforting to know that if Yuba Post Offices ever burn down, explode, or are razed in any other insurance-related schemes, we could still post each day at the 24-hour Apple store on 5th Avenue.

And here's one more image, just to fulfill our advertising contract:

PS - Don't tell Apple, but The YP is normally updated on a six-year-old PC.

The Sports Page

What can be said about the news from Yuba today? Such a dark, dark day it was.

At this time, in our shell shocked state, we can only reiterate what most Yuba citizens already know: Yuba Tech University has lost its season opening Ultimate Frisbee game to the Barker Creek Middle School JV squad. As a team high in the national polls, the Yuba Foons were the clear favorites to win what most considered only a "tune-up" game. But the brutal results of the contest have gut-punched us all. For sanity's sake, we'll refrain from covering the game in any further detail, but you can read all about it (if you must) at our sports affiliate's site here.

Making matters worse, Barker Creek only has a Walking Score of 3: