Friday, August 10, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Case Not Closed on July 31st Post
Yuba Post editors cut their week long (frisbee) golf vacation short by three days after new information surfaced regarding the events of the July 31st post.
The now infamous post was comprised entirely of unintelligible words and phrases and its authorship was originally deemed a mystery. But on August 4th an emergency task force concluded that the post was the result of Rapid City ninjas who physically invaded Post offices. This conclusion was based almost entirely on the testimony of regular Post contributor Jeff Richardson, the only staff member present during the attack, and also one of the two members of the investigating task force.
Other than the ninja-fearing panic/mass exodus that struck Yuba and crippled its social and civic infrastructures, the Yuba Post assumed the story was over. But Mr. Richardson's testimony has now been called into question. Apparently, a small, cordless telephone (called a cellular phone or a "cell") with a motion picture recording device built into it (we didn't believe it at first, either) captured footage of Mr. Richardson at the Yuba Pub Tavern and Brewery Yum Yum on the night of the 31st - only hours before the offending post was published. The image shows Richardson "dancing" with a chair by himself, probably intoxicated and seemingly wearing a nose flute. But the incriminating evidence is on the soundtrack, in which Mr. Richardson can be heard repeating the phrase "hibity jibity" over and over again. This is the same phrase that was published by the ninjas who attacked Richardson later that night.
It would be easy to jump to conclusions and claim that the only person to see the Rapid City ninjas, and the only person inside Yuba Post offices on the 31st, and the only person who quoted phrases from the post before it was published (all the same person) is a liar and a fraud and, in fact, wrote the post himself in a drunken stupor. But this would be unprofessional journalism and the Yuba Post will not be assigning blame until all the facts are in. Rest assured, however, that the situation will be the top priority of Post editors as they return from their shortened vacation tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, until all the facts are in, this publication will continue to assign blame for the July 31st post to the hoards of nefarious Rapid City ninjas that continue to threaten the freedom of our society.
The editors wish to thank Eric Miller, M. Ryan Kundinger, Jalen the Cat, and Kelly for filling in the past four days. As our vacation has been cut short, scheduled guest posts by Bill Clinton and Sammy the Evil Cat will, sadly, no longer be necessary (Mr. Frank-Lehrer's guest post will not be missed).
The now infamous post was comprised entirely of unintelligible words and phrases and its authorship was originally deemed a mystery. But on August 4th an emergency task force concluded that the post was the result of Rapid City ninjas who physically invaded Post offices. This conclusion was based almost entirely on the testimony of regular Post contributor Jeff Richardson, the only staff member present during the attack, and also one of the two members of the investigating task force.
Other than the ninja-fearing panic/mass exodus that struck Yuba and crippled its social and civic infrastructures, the Yuba Post assumed the story was over. But Mr. Richardson's testimony has now been called into question. Apparently, a small, cordless telephone (called a cellular phone or a "cell") with a motion picture recording device built into it (we didn't believe it at first, either) captured footage of Mr. Richardson at the Yuba Pub Tavern and Brewery Yum Yum on the night of the 31st - only hours before the offending post was published. The image shows Richardson "dancing" with a chair by himself, probably intoxicated and seemingly wearing a nose flute. But the incriminating evidence is on the soundtrack, in which Mr. Richardson can be heard repeating the phrase "hibity jibity" over and over again. This is the same phrase that was published by the ninjas who attacked Richardson later that night.
It would be easy to jump to conclusions and claim that the only person to see the Rapid City ninjas, and the only person inside Yuba Post offices on the 31st, and the only person who quoted phrases from the post before it was published (all the same person) is a liar and a fraud and, in fact, wrote the post himself in a drunken stupor. But this would be unprofessional journalism and the Yuba Post will not be assigning blame until all the facts are in. Rest assured, however, that the situation will be the top priority of Post editors as they return from their shortened vacation tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, until all the facts are in, this publication will continue to assign blame for the July 31st post to the hoards of nefarious Rapid City ninjas that continue to threaten the freedom of our society.
The editors wish to thank Eric Miller, M. Ryan Kundinger, Jalen the Cat, and Kelly for filling in the past four days. As our vacation has been cut short, scheduled guest posts by Bill Clinton and Sammy the Evil Cat will, sadly, no longer be necessary (Mr. Frank-Lehrer's guest post will not be missed).
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Kelly's Physics Joke!
So Heisenberg is driving down the Autobahn, and a cop pulls him over for speeding.
Cop: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
Readers should rest assured that the Editors of the Yuba Post will not let me make this a recurring column...
Cop: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
Readers should rest assured that the Editors of the Yuba Post will not let me make this a recurring column...
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Jalen Through the Looking Glass
I'll just rest for a minute in the closet...
...mmmmm, scarves are soft...
...Apples? Apples? Yes, please...
...zzzzzzzzz-meow-zzzzzzzzz...
...Jalen, your cat mission, if you choose to accept it: infiltrate the Yuba Tuna Fish Factory; charm the occupying terrorists with your sexy stomach; sample ALL tuna for quality, flavor, texture, odor, moistness, succulent-ness, tuna-iness...
Monday, August 6, 2007
Rapid City Prepares Ninja Invasion
Yuba's neighbor uses special forces to launch 'hearts and minds' campaign.
Rapid City has secretly developed an aggressive ninja special forces unit to use in its escalating conflict with Yuba, says a high-ranking Rapid City government official. The member of Rapid City's oligarchy asked not to be named for fear of ninja reprisal. The Yuba Post has found independent corroborating evidence of this devious scheme. This website, http://www.askaninja.com/, provides conclusive proof of the Rapid City ninja force. The website is clearly an effort to win the hearts and minds of Yubans at home and abroad. A campaign of this sort can only be the precursor to an invasion by the dreaded ninjas.
The ninjas launched the website in an effort to engender themselves to the Yuba citizenry. The ridiculous and idiotic way in which the Ninjas answer questions that are supposedly submitted by viewers is clearly an effort into tricking the superior Yuba military into thinking that the Rapid City ninjas are not dangerous.
A senior Yuba official, speaking on the condition of anonymity--though admittedly, there is only one Yuba official--suggested that there may also be coded messages hidden within the Ninja broadcast. "Why else would they be talking about these ludicrous topics," the official said.
The recent sabotage at the Yuba post--which an in-depth investigation attributed to ninjas--is more clear evidence of Rapid City's aggressive intentions. We at the Yuba Post, while we believe strongly in the importance of an objective press, cannot in good conscious remain silent about this devious plan. Thus, a message to all patriotic Yubans, don't be fooled, there are few things more dangerous than a ninja.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
In and out of the Kitchen with a Kook: Free Eats!
The new White Stripes CD is worth checking out. Our music editor, Eddy, who is incidentally on a six-month sabbatical in the Sudan studying tribal drumming, has sent me a urgent message confirming the greatness of the Stripe's new album. Jack White's side project, the Racontours, is also notable to check out.
Now, all this news about the Stripes and their derivatives is incidental to the launching a one part mini-series on food and cooking entitled: in and out of the kitchen with a Kook. When Editor of the Post contacted me at 1am, obviously intoxicated, and urgently asked me to postpone my book signing tour to help the post's ailing food section, I had no option but to acquiesce to his offer. I was in debt to him for bailing me out of a Turkish Prison through his connections with high Turkish Government officials after I tried to smuggle topastirma, a heavily spiced sun dried beef, out of the country.
Now, with Yuba being the cosmopolitan metropolis it is, the residents are not strangers to the culinary traditions of the world's people. Yuba has more Scandinavian Pastry shops per parking meters, at a ration of 1:14, than any other city in the United States. Also, Yuba is home to the most fusion restaurants in the Midwest. Only a stroll downtown and your nose with lead you to the interesting local dish of Ghat, a pre-digested custard taken from the cow's third stomach, served at local hangout Tricycle Willy's Ghat and hot dog stand.
Now, onto the tip of the day. If you are low on cash or low on time to prepare food, there are a few things you can do to get yourself fed that night. One is to arrive at a friends house around 4:30. Make yourselves at home and let them know you plan to visit a while, and this was not a stop by and chat moment. Take off your shoes and pick a comfortable seat. Ask for a glass of water in a clear glass with ice. Don't drink this water. Inevitably, time will roll around to supper time. With no sign of leaving, they will ask you if you would like to stay for dinner. Pretend like you are tossing the idea around in your head, and agree to accept their offer with the utmost humility. Secondly, do what me and the wife like to call "the buffet sample". Simply create a map of all known kitchen stores, grocery stores, etc that offer free samples of cheese or whatever, and visit these stores. Call ahead if necessary to confirm the samples are out. Once at the store, grab a hand basket and put a few props of veggies or fruits in that can be put back after dinner is over.
Now, a recipe for a generic Souffle'. Sounds difficult, but it's not! like homemade pasta, this can be done quickly and cheap. Mix some milk and flour into a batter. Add an egg yolk (save whites). Next, pick whatever you want to use as flavor or filler (cheese, chocolate, fruit, veggies, anything, use imagination!) Mix this into the milk, flour, egg batter. Next take 3-4 egg whites and put them in a bowl and let come to room temperature. Put some acidic ingredients in it to help them fluff and beat them till stiff. Mix with the batter and mix-ins. Stir and put in pan and bake at 350 degrees till brown and puffy on top. Versatile for entree or dessert!
Now, all this news about the Stripes and their derivatives is incidental to the launching a one part mini-series on food and cooking entitled: in and out of the kitchen with a Kook. When Editor of the Post contacted me at 1am, obviously intoxicated, and urgently asked me to postpone my book signing tour to help the post's ailing food section, I had no option but to acquiesce to his offer. I was in debt to him for bailing me out of a Turkish Prison through his connections with high Turkish Government officials after I tried to smuggle topastirma, a heavily spiced sun dried beef, out of the country.
Now, with Yuba being the cosmopolitan metropolis it is, the residents are not strangers to the culinary traditions of the world's people. Yuba has more Scandinavian Pastry shops per parking meters, at a ration of 1:14, than any other city in the United States. Also, Yuba is home to the most fusion restaurants in the Midwest. Only a stroll downtown and your nose with lead you to the interesting local dish of Ghat, a pre-digested custard taken from the cow's third stomach, served at local hangout Tricycle Willy's Ghat and hot dog stand.
Now, onto the tip of the day. If you are low on cash or low on time to prepare food, there are a few things you can do to get yourself fed that night. One is to arrive at a friends house around 4:30. Make yourselves at home and let them know you plan to visit a while, and this was not a stop by and chat moment. Take off your shoes and pick a comfortable seat. Ask for a glass of water in a clear glass with ice. Don't drink this water. Inevitably, time will roll around to supper time. With no sign of leaving, they will ask you if you would like to stay for dinner. Pretend like you are tossing the idea around in your head, and agree to accept their offer with the utmost humility. Secondly, do what me and the wife like to call "the buffet sample". Simply create a map of all known kitchen stores, grocery stores, etc that offer free samples of cheese or whatever, and visit these stores. Call ahead if necessary to confirm the samples are out. Once at the store, grab a hand basket and put a few props of veggies or fruits in that can be put back after dinner is over.
Now, a recipe for a generic Souffle'. Sounds difficult, but it's not! like homemade pasta, this can be done quickly and cheap. Mix some milk and flour into a batter. Add an egg yolk (save whites). Next, pick whatever you want to use as flavor or filler (cheese, chocolate, fruit, veggies, anything, use imagination!) Mix this into the milk, flour, egg batter. Next take 3-4 egg whites and put them in a bowl and let come to room temperature. Put some acidic ingredients in it to help them fluff and beat them till stiff. Mix with the batter and mix-ins. Stir and put in pan and bake at 350 degrees till brown and puffy on top. Versatile for entree or dessert!
Saturday, August 4, 2007
July 31st Explained
The Yuba Post is pleased to report that the special task force investigating our July 31st post has uncovered the truth behind that journalistic nightmare.
According to their report, Yuba Post records indicate that frequent Post contributor Jeff Richardson was scheduled to post the evening of the 31st. Mr. Richardson claims he was at the office writing his post - a puff piece about the newly formed Yuba Snorkeling and Yahtzee Club - but Yuba Post security footage never shows Richardson entering the building. This proves little, however, since the Post Building's security cameras had their lens caps on. Witnesses corroborated Richardson's story, as multiple patrons of the Yuba Pub Tavern and and Brewery Yum Yum saw him leave the bar around 10:00 PM and enter the Post Building across the street. Patrons made note of Richardson's entry into the Post Building since he repeatedly shook the door handle and cursed before finally finding the correct key. The next morning, Post employees found Richardson unconscious at his keyboard. Sometime during the night, between Richardson's entrance into the building and Post employees' discovery the next morning, the offending post was written.
The culprit? Well, careful readers of the Post have probable figured it out by now. It's really the only logical explanation. The insultingly unprofessional writings of July 31st were created by... Rapid City.
After all, this isn't the first time they've hijacked and invaded our newspaper. Loyal subscribers will no doubt remember the unfortunate post of June 15th, entitled "Rapid City is the Bomb!" That was the result of computer hackers. This more recent incident, unfortunately, was much more severe. You see, while no disturbances were reported during the night, and while the Post Building's security alarm never went off (our cat slept through the whole thing), it seems that Rapid City terrorists physically invaded our offices, knocked Richardson unconscious, posted some nonsense, left the rest of the building untouched, then escaped unnoticed into the night. How could they have done all this you ask? Well, we asked the same question to Mr. Richardson, and his answer was truly frightening: "Um... they were ninjas?"
Rapid City ninjas.
They walk in the shadows. They lurk in the night. Our great city has truly never before faced such an ominous, dangerous threat to our freedom.
So anyway, check back tomorrow for the Yuba Post's inaugural food column by guest columnist Eric Miller!!
According to their report, Yuba Post records indicate that frequent Post contributor Jeff Richardson was scheduled to post the evening of the 31st. Mr. Richardson claims he was at the office writing his post - a puff piece about the newly formed Yuba Snorkeling and Yahtzee Club - but Yuba Post security footage never shows Richardson entering the building. This proves little, however, since the Post Building's security cameras had their lens caps on. Witnesses corroborated Richardson's story, as multiple patrons of the Yuba Pub Tavern and and Brewery Yum Yum saw him leave the bar around 10:00 PM and enter the Post Building across the street. Patrons made note of Richardson's entry into the Post Building since he repeatedly shook the door handle and cursed before finally finding the correct key. The next morning, Post employees found Richardson unconscious at his keyboard. Sometime during the night, between Richardson's entrance into the building and Post employees' discovery the next morning, the offending post was written.
The culprit? Well, careful readers of the Post have probable figured it out by now. It's really the only logical explanation. The insultingly unprofessional writings of July 31st were created by... Rapid City.
After all, this isn't the first time they've hijacked and invaded our newspaper. Loyal subscribers will no doubt remember the unfortunate post of June 15th, entitled "Rapid City is the Bomb!" That was the result of computer hackers. This more recent incident, unfortunately, was much more severe. You see, while no disturbances were reported during the night, and while the Post Building's security alarm never went off (our cat slept through the whole thing), it seems that Rapid City terrorists physically invaded our offices, knocked Richardson unconscious, posted some nonsense, left the rest of the building untouched, then escaped unnoticed into the night. How could they have done all this you ask? Well, we asked the same question to Mr. Richardson, and his answer was truly frightening: "Um... they were ninjas?"
Rapid City ninjas.
They walk in the shadows. They lurk in the night. Our great city has truly never before faced such an ominous, dangerous threat to our freedom.
So anyway, check back tomorrow for the Yuba Post's inaugural food column by guest columnist Eric Miller!!
Friday, August 3, 2007
The Yuba Post's True Dat of the Day
There's nothing better than a brand new shower curtain.
...True dat.
The Yuba Post's True Dat of the Day is brought to you by Old Spice. Ahoy.
...True dat.The Yuba Post's True Dat of the Day is brought to you by Old Spice. Ahoy.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
The Yuba Post Recommends: August
The Yuba Post recommends everyone try August. People who pass on August lead very cold and miserable lives - and that just wouldn't do in Yuba. So go ahead, try August. It just might be to your liking.
Here are some interesting facts about the month of August:
-August is the eighth month of the year in the Yubagorian calendar.
-No month has more days that August, though not for lack of trying.
-"The dog days of summer" are often associated with the month of August. These are hot, miserable times and we recommend skipping them. ...but don't skip all of August!
-In astrology, August begins in the sign of Leo the Lion and ends in the sign of Virgo the Virgin. Hence, the expression: "In like a lion, out like a virgin."
-August was originally named Sextilis by the Romans. Not because of you-know-what, but because of the number six. You see, Romans were very bad at counting and they thought this was the sixth month. When they realized they were WAY OFF they had to change the name. (furthermore, Romans incorrectly spell six with an 'e' not an 'i,' which can confuse some people. Hence the popular mnemonic phrase: "In Roman 'sex', 'I' goes in the middle")
-August is Slug and Leech Month in Yuba! So go out and do something nice for a slimy invertebrate.
-August is one of 11 months that Brandon Hall does not consider to be his favorite.
-A popular pastime of Augustians (as they prefer to be called) is sunbathing. This is often done at at beach, though the best sunbathing in Yuba is found on the lawn outside the Yuba Post Building. When sunbathing, it is recommended that you remove as much clothing as possible.
-An unpopular pastime of student Augustians is counting down the remaining days of summer vacation.
-Clear afternoons in August are ideal times to step outside, take a deep breath, and say, "Ahhhh..."
-Below is a picture of August Strindberg. If this doesn't sell you on August, nothing will.
August Strindberg
Here are some interesting facts about the month of August:
-August is the eighth month of the year in the Yubagorian calendar.
-No month has more days that August, though not for lack of trying.
-"The dog days of summer" are often associated with the month of August. These are hot, miserable times and we recommend skipping them. ...but don't skip all of August!
-In astrology, August begins in the sign of Leo the Lion and ends in the sign of Virgo the Virgin. Hence, the expression: "In like a lion, out like a virgin."
-August was originally named Sextilis by the Romans. Not because of you-know-what, but because of the number six. You see, Romans were very bad at counting and they thought this was the sixth month. When they realized they were WAY OFF they had to change the name. (furthermore, Romans incorrectly spell six with an 'e' not an 'i,' which can confuse some people. Hence the popular mnemonic phrase: "In Roman 'sex', 'I' goes in the middle")
-August is Slug and Leech Month in Yuba! So go out and do something nice for a slimy invertebrate.
-August is one of 11 months that Brandon Hall does not consider to be his favorite.
-A popular pastime of Augustians (as they prefer to be called) is sunbathing. This is often done at at beach, though the best sunbathing in Yuba is found on the lawn outside the Yuba Post Building. When sunbathing, it is recommended that you remove as much clothing as possible.
-An unpopular pastime of student Augustians is counting down the remaining days of summer vacation.
-Clear afternoons in August are ideal times to step outside, take a deep breath, and say, "Ahhhh..."
-Below is a picture of August Strindberg. If this doesn't sell you on August, nothing will.
August StrindbergWednesday, August 1, 2007
Letter from the Editor
The entire staff at the Yuba Post offers its sincere apologies to the good people of Yuba for the previous day's entry, asdfaaasdfaaaasdfaaasasaasdf. The poor quality of reporting demonstrated in the article is beneath the excellent reputation of our publication, and is an insult to the above-average reputations of our readers. Furthermore, it appears that no amount of spellchecking or Wikipedia-based fact-checking (the usual crutches of all our best editors) could ever hope to make sense of the article. For the time being, the news that was being reported yesterday remains a mystery.
But rest assured that the Yuba Post has not given up. An explanation for "asdfaaasdfaaaasdfaaasasaasdf;" "whoooo hooooooo!;" "hibity jibity hibity jibity hibity jibity;" and "chugga chugga chugga chugga" will be found, and one that, we're sure, will make absolute sense in hindsight and will cast no doubts whatsoever upon the reliability and professionalism of Post staff. Just today, in fact, our editorial board worked overtime (at subscribers' expense) assembling a special task force whose sole mission will be to uncover the author(s) and meaning(s) behind the July 31st post.
In the meantime, we will continue to update our readers on all publicly acceptable, non-embarrassing/non-incriminating information as it is uncovered.
Again, our sincerest apologies.
Fans of the Yuba Post's "Month Recommendation Series" will find August's entry posted tomorrow. The post was postponed by this post after the previous post required posting a follow-up post. We apologize for any inconvenience, anger, or illness that this change has caused (though we do not accept any fiscal liability).
But rest assured that the Yuba Post has not given up. An explanation for "asdfaaasdfaaaasdfaaasasaasdf;" "whoooo hooooooo!;" "hibity jibity hibity jibity hibity jibity;" and "chugga chugga chugga chugga" will be found, and one that, we're sure, will make absolute sense in hindsight and will cast no doubts whatsoever upon the reliability and professionalism of Post staff. Just today, in fact, our editorial board worked overtime (at subscribers' expense) assembling a special task force whose sole mission will be to uncover the author(s) and meaning(s) behind the July 31st post.
In the meantime, we will continue to update our readers on all publicly acceptable, non-embarrassing/non-incriminating information as it is uncovered.
Again, our sincerest apologies.
Fans of the Yuba Post's "Month Recommendation Series" will find August's entry posted tomorrow. The post was postponed by this post after the previous post required posting a follow-up post. We apologize for any inconvenience, anger, or illness that this change has caused (though we do not accept any fiscal liability).
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