July 31st Explained

The Yuba Post is pleased to report that the special task force investigating our July 31st post has uncovered the truth behind that journalistic nightmare.

According to their report, Yuba Post records indicate that frequent Post contributor Jeff Richardson was scheduled to post the evening of the 31st. Mr. Richardson claims he was at the office writing his post - a puff piece about the newly formed Yuba Snorkeling and Yahtzee Club - but Yuba Post security footage never shows Richardson entering the building. This proves little, however, since the Post Building's security cameras had their lens caps on. Witnesses corroborated Richardson's story, as multiple patrons of the Yuba Pub Tavern and and Brewery Yum Yum saw him leave the bar around 10:00 PM and enter the Post Building across the street. Patrons made note of Richardson's entry into the Post Building since he repeatedly shook the door handle and cursed before finally finding the correct key. The next morning, Post employees found Richardson unconscious at his keyboard. Sometime during the night, between Richardson's entrance into the building and Post employees' discovery the next morning, the offending post was written.

The culprit? Well, careful readers of the Post have probable figured it out by now. It's really the only logical explanation. The insultingly unprofessional writings of July 31st were created by... Rapid City.

After all, this isn't the first time they've hijacked and invaded our newspaper. Loyal subscribers will no doubt remember the unfortunate post of June 15th, entitled "Rapid City is the Bomb!" That was the result of computer hackers. This more recent incident, unfortunately, was much more severe. You see, while no disturbances were reported during the night, and while the Post Building's security alarm never went off (our cat slept through the whole thing), it seems that Rapid City terrorists physically invaded our offices, knocked Richardson unconscious, posted some nonsense, left the rest of the building untouched, then escaped unnoticed into the night. How could they have done all this you ask? Well, we asked the same question to Mr. Richardson, and his answer was truly frightening: "Um... they were ninjas?"

Rapid City ninjas.

They walk in the shadows. They lurk in the night. Our great city has truly never before faced such an ominous, dangerous threat to our freedom.

So anyway, check back tomorrow for the Yuba Post's inaugural food column by guest columnist Eric Miller!!