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Weekend News Roundup

Yuba news highlights from the weekend:

-Mrs. Toofelstipe's puppy given bath, new toy.
-California license plate spotted.
-4,926 vehicles drive through town. 3 stop.
-Yuba Creek flows continuously.
-Old Mrs. Farnsworth criticized by Tricycle Gang members for being "a mean old hag."
-For the third straight weekend, Yuba Post offices struck by eggs. The chicken farm down the street continues to deny responsibility for their amazingly powerful birds.
-Friday night sunset ruined by rain clouds.
-After lengthly renovations, the Yuba Pub Tavern and Brewery Yum Yum reopens for the first time since The Prohibition of 1974.
-Saturday Rain Festival ruined by sun.
-The Yuba Pub Tavern and Brewery Yum Yum burns in a fire following a drunken brawl.
-Yuba Village Council reinstates Prohibition.
-Sunday Solar Eclipse Party ruined by uncooperative lunar orbit. Party rescheduled for next weekend.

A Photograph Accompanied by a Corresponding Limerick

While crossing Ohio by highway
Your senses may dull, bore and decay.
This is actually good
If your passenger should
Pass odorous gas of fish fillet.


Photo by Jeff Richardson. May 4th, 2006. Ohio Turnpike.
"LimerickPic" is a trademarked format by Yuba Industries.
Contact Nik Frank-Lehrer for licensing information.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here. As you may have noticed, the Post editors have been a little "busy" this past week (little writing, lots of slacking, if you ask me), so I got roped into doing a second column. As if I have nothing better to do! Humans aren't the only ones with lives, you know! I'm giving up my 12th nap - my favorite - today to get this done!

Anyway, I'll keep it short and just post an interesting link I came across. It concerns an old grade school classmate of mine named Oscar. He was in a news story that was picked up by the national press (though not by the Yuba Post, of course, since the editors have no idea that life actually exists outside of this wasted little outpost they call a city). Check out the story here. Oscar always was a strange little kitten (he had pierced ears and wore leather tail stockings) but I never imagined this.

Important Announcement

Regular Yuba Post contributor Jeff Richardson is celebrating his half-birthday today. So, if you happen to run into Mr. Richardson this evening, please don't acknowledge this ridiculous self-indulgence.

Obituaries

Healthy lifestyles + pleasant surroundings = no deaths this week

Community Forum

Today's forum topic: What's your favorite thing about summertime in Yuba?

(and if you've never been to Yuba, remember, this is the Internet and we have no way of knowing that - so you can answer anyway)

Breaking News

This just in from our West Coast office:

"Eagle-eyed YUBA POST correspondent/financier Nik Frank-Lehrer and
quick-snapping POST photographer Yuri Kashima snagged this development in -- of all places -- downtown San Diego, California. Apparently the word has spread."


Special thanks to Mr. Frank-Lehrer and Ms. Kashima for this fascinating piece of photojournalism. Perhaps the West Coast is no longer "a sad land hopelessly devoid of all Midwestern caffeinated products," as previously reported in the Post back in August of 1947. It seems Yuban progress travels far - and at reasonable prices to boot.

And remember, the Yuba Post is always interested in any Yuba news or photographs - you don't even have to be a staff member! Just send your information to theyubapost@yahoo.com. Freelance salaries start at 10% of the daily revenue.

Jalen's Column

Jalen the Cat here. Recently I took part in a photo shoot for Playcat Magazine. Below are some of the best shots. They say I might make the cover, so let me know which photo makes me look fluffiest.

Jalen is wearing an American Apparel Baby Rib Dog T (Small, Teal/Purple).

Add to my blog

Yuba Tongue Twister

The Yuba Bayou Yacht Club's Yuban U-Boat's boatswain's boat was buoyant.

Readers to Yuba Post: "Let's Move On, Already"

So, as faithful readers will already know, the Elk Rapids News thinks it can write about news in Yuba. Well, two can play at that game.

Breaking news from Elk Rapids:
Elk Rapids has a newspaper. It's called THE TOWN MEETING and it's been around a long time and we recommend reading it for all your Elk Rapids information. Elk Rapids also has a scandal-mongering, sensationalistic rag that isn't worth the paper it's printed on and doesn't even have a website. It's called the Elk Rapids News. We don't recommend reading it, but if you're painting your walls and need some extra floor protection, you'll find hoards of unread issues dropped at the Recycling Center each week.

E. R. News to Yuba: "We Hate Yuba" *

* more a paraphrase than an actual quote

A new development in the Elk Rapids News scandal:
The existence of the offending news article was bad enough, but earlier today our staff finally got around to reading it. Unfortunately, the contents of the piece have only escalated what was already a fisticuffs-worthy conflict.

Normally, of course, our staff would never waste time reading something other than the Yuba Post. After all, when you're surrounded by perfection, why look further? But our staff member in question was hoping to embarrass the Elk Rapids News by finding spelling and grammar mistakes in their article. This was to be the subject of today's post, under the headline: "E. R. News Misspells Words and is Therefore Not As Worthy of a Subscription as Yuba Post." But what began as simple red-marker sabotage quickly spiraled out of control.

Adding insult to injery, no spellling mistakes where found in the article.

It seems the Elk Rapids News wasn't just stealing news stories. They were also having a good laugh at Yuba's expense. The article in question begins with the sentence: "Most of us just fly right on by that cute little schoolhouse sitting along the road in Yuba, the place with the funny name that sits at the bottom of two big hills along U.S. 31, about halfway between Acme and Elk Rapids."

"The place with the funny name?!" Frankly, we fail to see the humor in our town's name. Maybe the wisecracking reporters at the El Crappids News would care to enlighten us? Huh, El Crappids News? Translated to English: The Crappids News . Now whose name is funny? Like the old Yuban saying goes, "If you can't take the heat of the kitchen, then take a cold shower and drown."

Runner to E. R. News: "How Ya Like Them Apples?!"

In response to yesterday's story about the improper conduct of the Elk Rapids News, regular Yuba Post contributor Jeff Richardson has announced he will not be taking part in this year's Harbor Run. The Harbor Run is an annual road race in Elk Rapids, taking place on the Saturday of "Harbor Days" - the city's four-day celebration of its historic harboring of Rapid City outlaw Ralph Stern during the summer of 1974. The Yuba Post has always supported Harbor Days, and Jeff Richardson in particular has run the Harbor Run 5K every year for the past seven years. So it was a great shock to many when he announced his plans to boycott the race.

Richardson bravely attempts to pass an 11-year old girl during the 2005 Harbor Run. He was unsuccessful.

When asked how, exactly, boycotting the race affects the editorial choices of the Elk Rapids News, Richardson replied: "That's exactly the question [the Elk Rapids News] will be asking themselves. And when they do that, well, then I've won." Richardson claims his withdrawal from the Harbor Run will "greatly affect the competitive level of the event" - this, despite the fact that he has never come close to winning and his times have been progressively slower the past two years.

Yuba Post to E. R. News: "Back Up Off Me"

With the exception of the Tootsie Roll War of 1974, the people of Yuba have always gotten along well with the residents of Elk Rapids, that large city to our north. And so it would stand to reason that Yuba's newspaper, the Yuba Post (what you're reading now), has no major conflict with Elk Rapids' own newspaper: The Elk Rapids News. But the friendly relationship between the two publications was seriously strained last week when the Elk Rapids News - without prior consent from the Yuba Post - ran a front page story on the old (1860) Yuba schoolhouse.

What? There wasn't enough news in Elk Rapids last week so they had to start stealing stories from our turf? That's ridiculous. We realize that Yuba probably has more journalistic "action" per week than our northern neighbors, but it's still hard to believe that there were no stories in all of Elk Rapids. This obviously unnecessary encroachment into our territory is quite disturbing, and is being taken by our editorial board as a serious potential threat. If the Elk Rapids News is thinking of extending its coverage (and, by extension, its readership) into Acme Township, then they clearly don't know what they're up against. Our reporting may not swing for the fences every night, but when challenged, the Yuba Post is like a hungry, caged lemur let loose on a bag of assorted fruits and leaves. Our news coverage will be a tenacious, audacious, bodacious assault on all matters great and small. Reporting. Interviewing. Fact-checking. Photojournalism. LimerickPics. Spelling. Penmanship. We will not let up. So if the E.R. News wants a battle, then we say bring it on. *

And besides, what kind of story was this anyway? An article about the old schoolhouse? If there was a story there, doesn't the Elk Rapids News think we would have written it already? Of course we would have - but there isn't a story! Here's the story: "The Yuba schoolhouse is way old." Nuff said. It doesn't take two pages and it certainly isn't front page material.

Amateurs...

*But don't really, please, because we don't actually want to work that hard.

News in Brief

Today, Yuba's own Dr. Smitty - in association with the Yuba Tourism Board - scientifically disproved the widely held notion that "there ain't no cure for the summertime blues." According to the study, the cure is a long vacation in Yuba. Dr. Smitty said he does not plan to publish his results in any health journals, nor will he announce his study to any reputable sources of information (we assume he means other than the Yuba Post). The details of the study were not released.

Hollywood Lies - And This Time It's Personal!

The Yuba Post is certainly no friend of Hollywood, that much has been well established over the years. But this time those fact-distorting knuckleheads have gone too far - this time they messed with Yuba.

Apparently, last week Warner Brothers - a family-run business that you'd think would have more sense than to mess with Yuba - released a film with the title: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Now, we don't know much about these brothers, but the Warner family had better learn a little originality if they ever plan on succeeding in filmmaking. I mean, how did they ever come up with this one!?! Clearly, Harry Potter is a complete ripoff of Yuba's own Larry Potter, a chicken farmer who last August had his missing (and presumed dead) rooster miraculously walk out of a house fire. The next week, Larry claimed that this "phoenix" spoke to him and told him to move to the top of Mount Yuba and live there as a hermit and only communicate via the game telephone. This entire incident was well documented in the Yuba Post under the headline (you guessed it): Larry Potter and the Orders of the Phoenix.

COME ON!!!

The Yuba Post was never contacted prior to the making of this film, and we can only imagine the factual inaccuracies that must abound. The movie poster certainly doesn't instill much hope, as all of the characters (even the rooster) appear to be played by teenagers (Hollywood's idolization of youth continues!). Worse yet, Larry Potter was never compensated by Warner Brothers for the use of his story. When told about the film by the Yuba Post, he stated, as far as we could tell, "I lick Joe's books." The meaning of this phrase is not immediately clear, but it is possible that one of the Warner brothers may be named Joe.

Unfortunately, Larry Potter does not seem interested in filing a lawsuit. But there is something we can do: boycott the film! The people of Yuba should not support such unscrupulous practices.

So when Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix flops and puts Warner Brother's out of business, maybe Hollywood will have finally learned its lesson about truth, accuracy and fair use. And La-La Land will certainly think twice about messing with Yuba again.

Jalen's Column: I Am a Master of Hearts

Jalen the Cat here and I am a master of Hearts.

The other day I played the greatest game ever. I was up against Julius, Sammy and Bernard, so admittedly there wasn't much competition. But it was still incredible - this kind of performance would poof the tail of a Newark alley cat.

First hand, I shot the moon.
Second hand, I shot the moon.
Third hand, you guessed it, I shot the moon. Because I am awesome.

Forth hand was a hold hand, so I couldn't quite get my cards the way I like 'em. Still, I went for the moon... and lost the final two hearts on the last trick! Just like old Sammy to rain on my mouse parade.

But I wasn't giving up. I was gonna shoot the moon or lose my 4th life trying. Fifth hand...

Wham! Bam! Thank you Friskies! Game over!


This is Jalen the Cat and I am a master of Hearts.

Why Yuba Has Never Hosted the Olympic Games - A Special Report

Throughout its history, Yuba has always been occupied by competitive people, so it should come as no surprise that the town has hosted numerous professional sports teams and athletic events over the years. What should be surprising is the fact that Yuba has never been host to the world's most prestigious games. However, the Tic Tac Toe Championships are not the subject of this report. This report focuses on another event Yuba has never hosted: The Olympic Games. Of course, it's not really accurate to say that Yuba has never hosted the Games. True, the town has never hosted an event recognized by the International Olympic Committee, but Yuba was indeed the host of the 1845 Olympics. At that time, the Olympics had not been held since 393 AD and had never occurred outside of Greece. These Yuban Olympics predated the "official" modern games by nearly four decades. And they were not just some best-of-city activity; this was a real international competition. The Games were formally announced in the Yuba Post during the summer of 1844, and all the nations of the world were invited to compete. Of course, the Post was then being published via pigeon carriers, so a few of the issues were expected to be lost. Still, imagine the town's surprise when no other United States athletes arrived to compete. Worse yet, only one foreign nation, the Pitcairn Islands, sent athletes to the games.

The Pitcairn Islands

The Pitcairn Islands Mutineers and the Yuba Foons (representing the United States) competed in 6 events:
-badminton
-cribbage
-floating pine cone race (later known as Poohsticks)
-running (not a timed race but a judged activity, ala figure skating)
-cat-lifting
-and the triathlon (combining river floating, sack racing, and speed walking)

Despite the home crowd chants of "GO Yuba Foons!" the Mutineers were victorious in all events and took home five gold medals (the sixth was mistaken for a pine cone and dropped into the river). However, the obvious legitimacy of these Games is overlooked by the International Olympic Committee and they have never been recognized as an official Olympic competition. Not even the United States government will acknowledge the 1845 Games, though the Pitcairn Islands still celebrate their victory to this day (fact: 80% of all Yuba tourists come from the Pitcairn Islands, or, 4 of the 5 tourists since 1974).

But the saga of the Yuba Olympics does not end there. In 1920, after the rest of the world had finally embraced the idea of international Olympic competition, Yuba applied to again host the event. It was, after all, the 75-year anniversary of the 1845 Games. An application was sent to the International Olympic Committee. Pigeon carriers were specifically avoided due to the previous Yuba Games' mishap (in fact, all message-carrying birds had been tried and executed in 1846) and the application was sent instead via postcard. There was no response and - since their request had not been denied - the citizens of Yuba could only assume that they were indeed hosting the 1920 Olympics. Preparation began immediately.

Of course, as we all now know, the 1920 Olympics were in fact held in Antwerp, Belgium - which even Belgians have to admit is a pretty funny name for a city. Apparently, Yuba's application for the Games was never taken into consideration by the committee as it was "deemed to be a joke." The humor of this "joke" has never been explained to the understandably disappointed people of Yuba, who did not catch wind of the "official" Antwerp Olympics until months after their own 1920 Games were held. As in the previous century, an expectant Yuba population waited for foreign athletes to arrive and, as in the previous century, only the Pitcairn Islands sent representatives. In this instance, there was only one competitor from the Islands: a 96-year old veteran of the 1845 Games who had finally returned for the Yuban woman he pledged to marry seventy-five years before. He knew nothing of the 1920 Games and it was pure coincidence that he arrived on the first day of competition. He competed anyway, and won gold in 6 of 7 events (the seventh event, Yuba Trivia, was added at the last minute by the Games organizers in order to avoid a second consecutive sweep). The old Mutineer took his medals and his bride, and - according to witnesses - sailed away into a Lake Michigan sunset.

An Olympian Sails to Certain Death by Artist Unknown

Though obviously disappointed with the lack of recognition their previous Olympics received, the people of Yuba would not be deterred. They applied to host the games one final, infamous time in the summer of 1974 (applying for the 1980 Games). Wary of their application being "deemed a joke," they started an intense postcard-writing campaign to insist that Yuba get fair treatment. All of Yuba's industry shut down and the entire population did nothing but write postcards to the International Olympic Committee for three straight weeks. Eventually the committee caved in and sent a representative to inspect the location. What happened next is the stuff of Yuba legend, and also one of the greatest sports injustices of all time. A hateful bias against the town of Yuba was evident in every action of the Olympic representative as he continually found fault in the smallest, most ridiculous details of the town. Among the most glaringly contrived excuses cited:
-"running track should be on a flat surface"
-an Olympic-sized pool has "specific measurements" and a river is "not sufficient"
-"inadequate security" (despite the town's low crime rate)
-"inadequate parking" (despite the fact that the representative never had trouble parking)
-"lack of a major airport" (try the Yuba Airport?)
-campgrounds are "inadequate" athlete housing (note the vagueness of the complaint)
-"cat-lifting is not an Olympic sport" (this is actually true)

Needless to say, the Olympic representative's findings were not received kindly by the people of Yuba. Harsh words were exchanged, and a few unwise threats may have been issued. Whatever exactly transpired, the end result was that the following week the International Olympic Committee took out a full page ad in the Yuba Post (a first for the Post) and announced that Yuba was officially banned from hosting the Olympics in the future.

After having their spirits crushed, the people of Yuba have slowly, begrudgingly resigned themselves to a future without an Olympic Games. And with the bobsled track being dismantled last year, all physical vestiges of the Failed 1974 Olympics Application are now gone. All that remains are the sad memories and the crushed dreams. One hopes that someday these too will disappear from Yuba, but with rival town Rapid City reportedly high in the running for the 2016 summer games, it looks like old wounds may soon be reopened.

Reporting for the Yuba Post, this is Pop Doyle.

Yuba Gossip Column

Maxwell Berry and Jalen the Cat are no longer on speaking terms.

The Yuba Post Recommends

The Yuba Post recommends you see Once twice.

A Day of Remembrance

Letter From the Editor:
There will be no news from Yuba today, as this date marks the 211th anniversary of Detroit's independence from Great Britain. Yes, it was on July 11th, 1796 that the Brits handed over that great city to the United States of America. And since Detroit and Yuba have always unofficially been step-sister cities to one another, The Yuba Post is honoring the anniversary with a day of silence (So please, DO NOT read this column aloud. Read it to yourself, silently). This sign of good faith towards our downstate rival has been an annual tradition in Yuba for decades, and one of these days Detroit is sure to take notice and honor our independence in return. One of these days...

Though there will be no news today, readers can look forward to the special report we our preparing for tomorrow's edition: "Why Yuba Has Never Hosted the Olympic Games - A Special Report"

Notable Quotables

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time, unless you're in Rapid City.
-Abraham Lincoln

Kelly's Travel Column: Brooklyn is not Siberia

You know they exist. You've heard them ... late at night in the Village ... or from the shadows of a Murray Hill bar:

"Oh my god. The most horrible thing happened to me this weekend! I was so drunk and I got on a train and I passed out and I woke up ... ... in Brooklyn."

THE HORROR!

My first encounter with these ... people ... went like this:

Client: "So where do you live?"

Kelly: "Brooklyn!"

Client: "Oh my god. We'll have to do more business with you. Get this girl some money!"

Who are they? They are the nightmare that haunts the lonely nights of your 5th grade teacher. They are the followers of Rowbotham. Yes, that's right, they are... Geography Failers!!!

Lucky to have made it through high school. Why are they GFs, our readers may wonder? Well they clearly believe Brooklyn is Siberia!

This is not Brooklyn.

Now, Brooklyn may not be the metropolis that is Yuba. And you do see the occasional Siberian Husky around ...

However, I can conclusively prove, once and for all, that Brooklyn is not Siberia.

Today's temperature: 95 degrees.

Google Page Rank Champions

In a tremendous upset over the post offices of Yuba City, California, The Yuba Post is now the highest ranking result of a Google web search for "the yuba post" (searching without quotation marks!). Apparently the Obituaries Page is the number one "the yuba post" site, which really isn't surprising considering the enormous popularity of what is our most painstakingly written column. Even though we don't actually understand how Google page rankings work, The Yuba Post would still like to thank everyone who made this victory possible.

Also, it has come to our attention that a Google search for "the yuba post" brings up the question: "did you mean "the juba post?" The Juba Post is a Sudan newspaper that we have no affiliation with. It was also possibly shut down by the Sudanese government two years ago. We understand this is a little confusing, and if anyone has been trying to read The Juba Post these past few weeks, we sincerely apologize. This is The YUBA Post, and we rarely write about Sudan.

...Though if the demand is there, we can certainly divert a few resources away from covering Yuba cribbage...

An Unpleasant Appliance

Today, The Yuba Post purchased an air conditioner in order to curb the ever-increasing temperature and humidity levels in their offices. Employees of The Post personally carried the unwieldy, 62-pound appliance box all the way through the Lowe's parking lot, across four blocks, and up two flights of stairs. They then installed the the unit, taking the time and effort to make sure it was securely mounted into the window. Drilling and screwdrivers were involved, oh yes. They then plugged in the air conditioner, making sure the cord was coming out at just the right angle so as to not disturb the feng shui of the room. The blinds were lowered. The other office windows were closed. Lights off. Cat secured. Finally, the unit was powered on. It was noisy. It was blowing air. It was beautiful. Employees set the fan speed and the temperature, and then they waited. The air did not cool. They waited. The machine ran. The air flowed. But the air was not cool. They waited further and the air was still not cool. Employees left the office, and let the machine work in peace. They walked to a movie theater. The air conditioning felt good in the movie theater. It was fresh and cool and made them happy. They went to a book store. It was pleasant to shop in the bright, well-air conditioned book store. They went to a bar. There it was dim and noisy, but at least the air was fresh and cool. When they walked home the sun had set and the streets were no longer hot. The summer breeze felt good and it was pleasant to be outdoors. They arrived back at the Yuba Post offices. Inside it was stuffy and unpleasant. The air was warm. The machine was running but the air was not cool. The machine, in fact, does not seem to do anything except make noise and blow stale air and weigh 62 pounds and use electricity and cost money.

Tonight, the offices of The Yuba Post are not very pleasant.

Obituaries

You guessed it - no deaths this week.

The Sports Page

This month, an aspiring fabled tradition begins as the Yuba Master's of Cribbage Association starts its inaugural season. The YMCA season will run through early September, culminating in the World Tournament Face-off. The YMCA is heavily promoting this championship event, using the slogan: "WTF is cribbage. WTF is Yuba."


Competing in the YMCA season are a wide assortment of cribbage professionals. The early favorite this year is Pop Doyle, a brilliant cribbage strategist who, in this author's opinion, will probably not give up a single peg to his competition all summer. Also competing are Kelly "The Crib Stealer" Edwards; Maxwell "Shuffle-Me-Timbers" Berry; Tight Shirt Hustler ("T-Huss"); and crowd favorite Jinny, known for her signature t-shirt slogan: "29 is the New 69."


Throughout the season, The Yuba Post will provide thorough coverage of YMCA matches and standings - especially on days when we can't think of anything else to write.

Jalen's Column: Jalen's Scrapbook

Jalen the Cat here. I'm still recovering from my heat stroke last week and am in dire need of more treats. My humans don't believe me. Please send help.

On a lighter note, I thought I'd share one of my favorite photos from my scrapbook. This is a picture of me and Jalen Rose (my namesake; or am I his namesake? Fleas! - I can't remember). It was taken right after something occurred that was worth celebrating. He is 6' 8" and I had to reach up on one paw just to give him some dap. We went out after the game and celebrated with apples and tummy-rubbing.

Good times.

Hip Hip Hooray!

Happy 3rd of July everybody!!!

Honoring a Particular Parturition

Today is the birthday of frequent Yuba Post columnist M. Ryan Kundinger. So, in the interests of maintaining a good working relationship, the entire staff of The Yuba Post (save for M. Ryan Kundinger) wishes M. Ryan Kundinger a very happy birthday.

Happy Birthday!

If you happen to be in contact with Dinger today, don't forget to give him some birthday wishes.

The Yuba Post Recommends: July

We think everyone should try July. It's a great month. But don't just listen to us - make up your own mind.

Facts about July:

-July is the seventh month in the Yubagorian Calendar.
-July is tied with June for having the fewest letters of any month except May.
-No month has more days than July.
-July was named for Julius Caesar, who was also known as "The Doctor," or "Dr. J." He had a fantastic career in the American Basketball Association and, although he is still alive, his dying words were: "Eat two, brutes" (which doesn't really make much sense).
-July is the most summery month (except in Australia and a few other places).
-July is a great month in which to have a half-birthday.
-Brandon Hall told July that it was his favorite month (but he may have been lying in order to curry favor with it).
-Thanks to Ronald Reagan, July is National Ice Cream Month! Who knew?
-July marks the beginning of the second half of the year. This makes it an ideal time to say to yourself "My, my, how quickly the years do pass. 2007 is already halfway over. My, my indeed."
-Bugs Bunny was introduced to the public on July 27th, 1940.
-July is the most common birth month, along with October. Another word for birth is parturition.

That's just ten things we can tell you about July. There are probably other things too, though not necessarily. Still, we give July our highest recommendation. Try it!

Don't be shy - give July a try!